The Darkness Within'
by die Autorin
Summary: AU 5.03/5.04 Sam was bathing himself in darkness and he did not believe that he would ever see the light again. … Sam already promised Lucifer that he would rather kill himself than becoming the devil's vessel. So why shouldn't he just do it? … Who would come to save him? Limp!Guilty!Sam Protective!Guilty!Dean
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**** This story takes places after and in between ****"Free to Be You and Me"**** (5.03) and ****"****The End****"**** (5.04) and is an AU. This is going to be a multi-chapter story which is mostly about Sam & Dean, but Bobby, Hank, Steve and Reggie will appear ****definitely****,**** and Cas will be ****referred**** to at least. I don't want to give away ****too**** much...**

**Actually****,**** I wanted to write something about the boys being ****separated**** and finding back together again in ****seasonseven****, but Bobby's death **** (*crying out loud NOOO!*... I still believe he will be back) crossed my plans. So I decided to write a ****seasonfive**** story, where the boys were ****separated****.**

**Warnings: ****This chapter will contain the topic ****of ****suicide****.**** So if you don't feel comfortable reading ****stories ****that have**** content containing the topic ****of**** suicide, you better turn away from the story****.**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own **_**Supernatural**_** or the boys, (except the ****DVD**** boxes) I would sure love too and would put way more brotherly moments in the show and would ****separate**** the boys way less in season ****seven****.**

**A very big thanks to Cartersdaughter for betaing this!**

**I hope you'll enjoy my story. **

"**The Darkness Within" **

_**I**__ really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls. _

_Anger, rage, fear, sadness. _

_I don't think that's only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. _

_I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. _

_I think in the course of your life you figure out ways to deal with that. _

**-Kevin Bacon **

**S**am was sitting on the windowsill while he watched through the window as the rain fell down in his motel room in Gabler, Oklahoma. The sky was painted in a color combination of grey, black and dark blue. The rain fell down, and you could hear the thick raindrops hitting the asphalt of the street and wetting the window. The only thing that lit the darkness outside was lightning. The sounds of the thunderstorm completed the background noises. The weather outside had a menacing and depressing effect. It was hard to believe that the sky used to be light blue before this storm or could be light blue and nice after it again. The sky was bathed in darkness, and the storm looked like it would never stop.

If Dean could see Sam like this, he would probably joke about his little brother being broody, moody and emo. But Dean wasn't there, and Sam was broody, moody and emo.

And in some ways the rain and the weather reflected Sam's inner life, his inner thoughts and inner feelings. Sam was covering himself in darkness, and he did not believe he would ever see the light again. As much as this weather was depressing, it matched Sam's feelings completely.

Sam was depressed, down and drowning himself in self-loathing, mistrust toward himself, and guilt. He had trusted a demon, had drunk demon blood, had broken the last seal, and had brought the apocalypse to earth by releasing Lucifer, the devil himself, from hell. And now he knew that he was meant to be Lucifer's meat-suit. The true vessel of the Devil was Sam himself. And what the last year had proven something other than the fact that Sam was not to be trusted and would screw it up for sure. Even hunters were after him. Hunters were looking for him. Hunters like Reggie, Hank and Steve wanted to use him as a weapon; did not even look at him like he was still human anymore. And even though he was not hunting, even though he tried to be "Joe Normal", he still put innocent people in danger. Lindsey was kidnapped by these hunters, although the hunters had wanted him. She was a nice and kind person who was really good to Sam, and still she was put at risk. She had told Sam nothing was too bad to be forgiven, but Sam again thought she did not know what he had done, and he did not want to add more faults to his list of failures by drawing Lindsey in on his problems. He was not normal; he was a freak. And the hunters wanted him, and Lindsey had gotten in harm's way because of him.

Sam had given himself to the hunters for Lindsey. He did not want her to be in danger, but he did not intend to fight the hunters. They were human, and it was wrong to harm human beings; it was. And he was not allowed to fail anymore, to screw up anymore. Sam probably even deserved hunters after him and living in a world that hated him.

But Sam would not drink demon blood ever again. So he had spit the demon blood, which the hunters tried to force down his throat out of his mouth. The demon blood was responsible for so many things gone bad in his life and drinking the demon blood again would be a disappointment to Dean (and he had disappointed Dean enough already). For once, he wanted to do one thing right. That was exactly the reason why he had not killed the hunters after he had freed himself from them, because they were human beings and killing them was wrong.

The time at the bar had been horrible, he got a girl in danger and hunters proved that they didn't think as a human of him anymore and it was once again a proof of how screwed up Sam was and how horrible and dangerous it was for other human beings to have him around.

Not even Dean wanted anything to do with him anymore. Dean, who used to stand by Sam every minute of every day, had agreed willingly and happily to separate from him. And when Sam called his brother after he found out about being Lucifer's meat-suit, he needed Dean so much, and Dean had rejected him. But who could blame Dean for it? After everything Sam had done, after every weight Sam had placed on Dean's shoulders, Dean was probably better off without his pain-in-the-ass little brother, and Dean deserved it to be free from the burden Sam Winchester was.

Sam decided to break the last communication between him and Dean for Dean's sake and disabled his last working phone number. He had already destroyed all of his fake IDs and all his hunting gear because he wanted to leave this life behind.

**D**ean was also watching the rain through the window of his motel room in Greenley, Pennsylvania. The sky was painted in a color combination of grey, black and dark blue. The rain fell down, and you could hear the thick raindrops hitting the asphalt of the street and wetting the window. He was nearly in the same situation as Sam, even though they were miles apart.

If Sam were here, he would joke about Dean being all girly and bitch about Dean always complaining about him pulling the emo-crap even though the older Winchester was not any better himself. But Sam was not there. Sam was somewhere in... Actually, Dean did not know where Sam was. The last time they had spoken Sam did not let loose a word about his whereabouts, and Dean did not even ask. He didn't even think to ask. Since when were things so screwed up? Since when didn't Dean care about Sam's whereabouts? Even when Sam and Dean had not had contact to each other in years because Sam was at Stanford, Dean knew where Sam was, when and why. And since when did Dean turn Sam down and reject him? Because that was exactly what he had done. He rejected Sam. When Sam had called in a moment of need, Dean had rejected him coldly and had hung up the phone, leaving his little brother alone with the problem of being Lucifer's meat-suit.

Honestly, Dean did not know if he should feel guilty or good about the way he had treated Sam. On the one hand it was a good feeling to be a man of his own and see Sam suffer for his mistake. On the other hand Sam was and always will be his little brother and it is Dean's Job to be there for him. This was not a job he was burdened by, but a job he did out of love towards his little brother.

Sam had screwed up grievously and deserved to kind of to suffer for a while. And Sam was a grown up and could handle his problems without his big brother. Sam had gotten along on his own before this, too. Sam did not need Dean. And Sam had cared more about Ruby than Dean, and that hurt more than anything, because the older Winchester had given everything to his brother.

Now he and Sam were seperated because of Sams faults. It was weird to be on his own, but he still had an angel at his side. Now Sam was not his hunting partner anymore as he was not trustet, but it was Castiel.

Hunting with Cas was also fun. He had not had this much fun in a long time. But then again, Dean knew he was lying to himself, when he told himself he was fine without Sam.

It was true that he hadn't had this much fun in a long time. But the last time he had this much fun was with Sam, and Sam's absence was leaving a gaping hole in Dean's heart. Sam had been present all the time except when he had been at Stanford. Sam was the perfect match to Dean, always. They used to be the perfect team. Dean and Sam against the world. And Dean loved Sam with a passion and a devotion which was indescribable, but maybe Dean loved Sam too much, had forgiven Sam too often.

All of Dean's big brother fibers said, "You have to be there for Sam; your baby brother needs you. How can you turn him down, the most important person in your life, when he is as devastated as he was on the phone? You swore to yourself to be there for him, to save him."

Dean's love and concern for Sammy conflicted with his own hurt feelings and mistrust toward Sam because of the younger Winchester's actions in the last year after Dean returned from hell.

And for this time being: Dean was just not ready to face Sam. His hurt outweighed his need, love, and concern for his brother. He needed time; he needed space and distance. He had to figure out how they should go on from here. For once, Dean was tired of taking care of Sam, of being there for Sam, of saving Sam. For once, Dean wanted to forget his responsibility for Sam.

**S**am was still watching the rain through his window, and by now he was crying. Maybe it was an understatement when he said the day had been horrible. The day had been worse than horrible because today reminded him of Jessica. The devil showed up as Jessica and reminded him how nice the time with Jess at Stanford had been, reminded him that he had lost so damn much. And honestly, Sam did not need a reminder. Every morning, he was reminded already by waking up alone in a double bed (even five years after her death). He loved Jessica so much, and she was the love of his life. He was not lying when he had said back in Salvation that he had intended to marry her.

When he had woken up next to Jessica today, he had known that it was not real and that it was just an illusion, but he wanted it so badly to be real, wanted so badly to be near Jessica again. Even after five years he still missed Jess 24/7, and so he enjoyed his time with her, even though he knew in his heart it was not real.

And now he was crying because, God, it hurt so badly again, was so heartbreaking again to be without Jess. Sam had shoved the pain down, deep down inside of him after her death, but it came floating out to the surface now. He was already on the verge of saying yes to Lucifer just to get Jessica back, to see this beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent, blonde woman one more time. He knew he was meant to be with her, but Sam could not say yes to Lucifer, could not screw up even more. There was one person in this world he loved more than Jess: His big brother. He was the only person Sam had left, but Dean didn't want to be in contact with him. Dean was better off without him.

And actually, Jessica would have been better off without him, too. She would still be alive, probably pretty successful without him. And such a beautiful woman would have found a boyfriend or husband without a single problem. Everyone he loved would be better off without him. Dean. Jess. Mom. Dad. Bobby.

And then it hit Sam. He could spare the world and his loved ones from him and the pain he caused. And he could spare himself from spending one more second in this hell-hole; he could spare himself from being Lucifer's vessel.

It was just what Dad had said. Sam had to be saved or be killed. It was already too late to be saved, so Sam should do what Dean couldn't . It would be a win-win situation after all. The younger Winchester would be freed from his misery, and the world would be free from the abnomination Sam Winchester was.

Sam already promised Lucifer that he would rather kill himself than becoming the devil's vessel. So why shouldn't he just do it? He did not want to spend another minute on this earth. And the world definitely did not want him here (except the demons and devils – they wanted him to destroy the world and to initialize hell on earth - and this was just messed up).

And yes, Lucifer promised Sam could not die because Lucifer would bring him back every single time Sam tried. But: Who said that the devil was telling the truth? Who said the devil was honest? It was worth a shot. Trying it out would not hurt anybody.

So Sam snatched his .45 magnum revolver. It was one of the weapons he had kept in case he had to defend himself. He had given his other weapons to Dean, since Dean intended to still go on hunts, which Sam definitely would not do.

Sam held the gun toward himself aiming for his heart. Without a second thought, he pulled the trigger. The bullet lodged in his heart, while Sam felt down to the ground.

Maybe it was the shock, or maybe it was the fact that his emotional pain overrode all other kinds of pain, but Sam did not feel physical pain. He just felt the impact of the bullet forcing him down to the floor, and then he felt the blood flowing out of his body, soaking his clothes and the carpet. He began to feel dizzy, and his vision blurred as the life drained out of him. He felt how the life left his body. Maybe he would make it and die. Maybe he would do something good for once. Maybe he had made it and would not become Lucifer's vessel, but be a dead person.

**Thanks for reading :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**First: I want to thank everybody who has reviewed or put me on his/her favorite list, story alerts and so on****…****You're awesome! Thank you. You are making my day...**

**Then I have to say something about the story, which I just ****realized****today... I thought because I actually haven't watched the episodes 5x03 and 5x04 again before writing this idea down, which I had for a long ****time****, that Sam had called Dean in the episode 5x03 while Dean was still in Pennsylvania, but actually Sam ****called Dean while Dean was in Kansas City (5x04****).****Whatever****.****In my story****,****Dean stayed in Pennsylvania****.****It is actually better that he is a little bit ****farther****away ****from****Sammy****in my story****.****And the phone ****conversation****in my story is kind of an AU ****too****.****You can imagine the talk between Sam and Dean like on the show just without the ****"****Sam wants to hunt again part****"****Yeah****,****I think that was everything you need to ****know****.**

**And how ****many****of you ****expected****I would kill Sam off?**

**Thanks for beta'ing to Cartersdaughter!**

**Disclaimer: See Chapter ****One****!**

**Enjoy!**

"**The ****DarknessWithin****"**

_If you love large, _

_you've got to hurt large. _

_If you've got a lot of light, _

_you've probably got an equal amount of darkness. _  
><strong>-Sarah McLachlan<strong>

**S**am opened his eyes. He was groggy and confused. Why was he lying on the floor? What happened exactly? He looked down on himself and noticed he was covered in his own blood; his clothes were painted red by his dark blood, and the carpet of the motel room was soaked in blood too. Nice. Now, he had even ruined a motel room. But then again: What was one ruined motel room compared to the end of the world, which he started? Sam looked around while sitting up. He found a bullet and the matching .45 Magnumlying next to him. It started to come back him. Suicide attempt – apparentlyhe had failed. Sam looked over his body. There was no wound where the bullet had entered. There was just a big scar. Okay, so Lucifer had healed him but had left the scar as reminder. And Sam could not believe it: he had failed again. Not even killing himself was an action he could do right.

And Sam swore he heard Lucifer's voice saying, "Nice try, Sam. I told you that you can't die because I will just keep bringing you back. I am a man of my word." And Sam thought it was creepy to have Lucifer's voice in the back of his head. The devil was following him around, was annoying him, was talking to him, was not only a part of his nightmares, but of his everyday life, and the devil wanted to use him as vessel. And the worst part of it all was the whole thing was Sam's fault; he was the only one to blame for his own misery; because he had freed Lucifer from hell.

But it was so damn hard to be alone in this. And there were not many people he could turn to. Actually, there were just two: Dean and Bobby. Dean and he were not on speaking terms, not really. And Bobby had enough problems already with being paraplegic, and Sam did not want to burden Bobby with his problems.

All in all, Sam was to blame for this mess. He screwed up. He fucked everything up so much, and now he was alone and had to pay the price. He had no will to live. But he couldn't die.

There were so many people who wished they could live forever, but Sam was cursing the fact that now he knew Lucifer was telling the truth and would bring him back if he died. The younger Winchester was devastated.

He went to the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He was getting so angry, angrier than he was all the time, he rammed his fist into the mirror. Sam did not like the person he saw looking back at him. He saw a man who was a shell of himself. A man who was broken into pieces and was filled with self-loathing and guilt. A man who trusted not even himself.

Sam was overwhelmed by his feelings. He swore he could hear Lucifer say, "Say yes and I will end your misery." With that, Sam rammed the mirror again with his fist.

"I won't say yes." And he repeated the action, until his knuckles covered in blood. Then Sam slid down on the floor and started to cry. He was a strong young man, he was, but this was just too much. How was it possible to lay so much weight on one person's shoulders? It was just too much, and that was why Sam now sat sobbing on the bathroom floor.

Half an hour later, Sam pulled himself together and got up from the floor and into the shower. Finally, he washed the blood from his failed suicide attempt and from his bloody knuckles away.

Everything he did was a blur for Sam, like he had been caught in a bad nightmare. The only difference between a nightmare, and this horror was that this was reality while a nightmare was just an imagination.

The next thing Sam did was drink himself into oblivion just to escape reality for a second, but not even in his drunken, confused state he could forget.

Dean had just gotten back to his motel room and was finally alone again. He had come back from his trip into the future, and what he had seen was not pleasant at all. The time travel had left a bad feeling behind. Seeing the world destroyed in five years was horrible, seeing Cas being a bottomless disposal for drugs was weird and confusing, but seeing Lucifer wearing his brother's face was the worst torture he could imagine. And even worse was seeing himself in 2014. He disdained the person he saw wearing his face in the future. This person could not be him, could not be Dean because this person was so much like Dean and still so different. How could future-Dean not talk to Sam for five years? How could future-Dean let Sam become Lucifer's vessel? Dean knew it was complicated between him and his brother, but this break was just supposed to be a break, not a permanent parting.

And how could his future self care more about others than about Sam? Dean's life was about saving people, but he never would pay with Sam's life to save other. So how could the 2014 version of himself do so? The 2014-Dean was a soldier, was a fighter, but he had lost his humanity and his feelings and was full of dullness. And that was when Dean realized he and Sam kept each other human.

Dean saw guilt in the eyes of himself in 2014 and knew what this guilt was about. Dean in 2014 hadn't saved Sam, the one job he always had, and Future-Dean had failed again.

Dean decided to change the future, to not let these events happen, so he wanted to reach out to his baby brother. He wanted to talk to Sam and hear his baby brother talking through Sam's mouth and not the devil's. After his trip to the future, he wanted to get back on speaking terms with Sam. It would not be easy, but they had to fix this mess. They kept each other human, and God forbid Dean would never forgive himself if Sam wore the devil to the prom.

Dean wanted to save 2014 from happening the way he saw it; he wanted to save Sam from becoming the devil, and he wanted to save himself from becoming a robo-soldier.

Dean called Sam's number, but the number was not available anymore. Then Dean called all other numbers Sam had that he knew, but not one worked. Dean worked through all tricks and all ID's he knew of to detect Sam, but nothing functioned.

"What the hell?" growled Dean as he realized nothing worked. Where was his brother? And why didn't his cell work? It was bad enough Dean did not know where Sam was, but now he could not even reach him. Dean had a bad feeling. He had neglected his big brother duty, and now he was paying the price. What if something had happened to Sam? What if Lucifer had shown up again? What if it was already too late to change the future? Dean was worried out of his mind. How was he going to find Sam?

At first, he tried to call Cas because Cas may know something and because Cas was an angel and could detect a human being. But then, Dean remembered the rib tats that kept angels from finding humans. Right now, Dean cursed the fact they had rib tats. And Cas couldn't come anyway; he was busy in heaven with something.

Dean thought about other options. There was one last resort: Their surrogate father, Bobby, so Dean called Bobby, and hoped Bobby would be there.

Bobby heard his phone ringing, and he hoped that it was Sam on the line because he tried to call the boy, but Sam's number was not available anymore, and Bobby was really worried. Bobby knew what happened, knew everything about the apocalyptic mess, and about Sam's and Dean's break from each other. He knew how much guilt Sam had loaded on his own shoulders and how much Sam loathed himself right now, and Bobby was worried about his boy because this was who Sam was: his boy, exactly like Dean. And he was worried about Sam and Dean as a team. They used to rely on each other; they used to need each other; they used to fight together.Those boys should realize they still needed to fight together, still needed to be together.

When Bobby reached the kitchen in his wheelchair and could take a look at his phone, he read the caller ID: "Dean". And Bobby was prepared to beat some sense in his boy. How could Dean reject Sam? They were family.

"Hey ya idtijt! I hope you got in contact with Sam. He seemed pretty down the last time we talked. I am afraid he is about to do something drastic, and I couldn't get a hold of him when I tried to call him today to check on the brother of yours," explained Bobby. He wanted to be there for Sam, he wanted to help Sam, and he wanted to bring Sam out of his misery. Bobby saw how awful Sam was feeling. And, yeah, Sam had done some pretty serious crap. But man, Sam did not do it intentionally; he was screwed with by angels, devils, and his destiny, and Sam was after all, his boy. Bobby was afraid Sam would do something drastic because the boy was self-sacrificing like all the other Winchesters. Samwould have given everything to get Dean out of hell. And Bobby was concerned, especially now with Sam's number not working anymore.

And Bobby had a damn right to worry about the boys.

Sam and Dean were Bobby's sons because, hell, Bobby was their father, not John, and Bobby loved those boys more than anything else in the world. Family didn't end with blood, and family was not defined by blood, but Sam, Dean and Bobby were a family. And Bobby wanted his sons to be happy (at least as happy as you could get having the end of the world playing out in front of your eyes), and he knew that this would only happen if Sam and Dean would work with each other. Why didn't those damn idjits realize how much they needed each other?

"Yeah, me neither. When did you talk last time? Have you any idea where he is?" asked Dean. Dean's bad feeling was growing because Bobby was worrying about Sam, too. And Bobby could not reach Sam either, which meant this was bad. Because without Bobby and Dean Sam had no one to rely on. Maybe Bobby was right, and Sam would do something drastic, or Lucifer had shown up again. That thought made Dean sick to his stomach. _God, please let Sammy be okay. Let us __find Sam._

"He called me when he saw some omens a couple of days ago. I told him he was one of the most qualified hunters to work this out, but he did not want to hunt anymore, so I sent Reggie, Steve and Hank to do it. He is Garber, Oklahoma, don't know exactly where. I talked to him about a week ago; have not talked to him since... What the hell is wrong with you guys, anyways? I know you separated, but I thought you would still keep in contact with each other?"

Then Dean explained everything that had happened. How Sam had called and told him about being Lucifer's vessel, and how Dean rejected him on the phone. He talked about the future version of himself and of the world and about his need to find Sam now, which he couldn't because Sam's number was disabled and Dean had not have any idea where Sam was.

"You rejected Sam on the phone after he told you about being Lucifer's vessel?" Bobby asked, shocked and a little bit angry. "Damn it, ya idtjit!" Bobby was now really worried. He was not angry at Dean, not really. It was understandable that Dean needed a break that Dean needed for once to care just about his own needs, and it was understandable that Dean was hurt and mistrusted Sam. Bobby was not angry at Dean but angry at the situation. And Bobby knew how Sam was without his older brother, how much Sam needed Dean.

"Damn. The boy always tries to do something stupid when you are not there...and in this situation..."

Bobby knew they needed to find Sam and he hoped the boy was still in Oklahoma, which would make this search easier. And he prayed Sam neither did something drastic, nor was visited by the Devil.

And even if Bobby was not angry at Dean, he had to teach Dean a lesson, a lesson that was really important.

"Dean, I know Sam screwed up and hurt your feelings, princess. But: Sam is family, and you don't shut family out. It's not the good times that makes a family, a family but sticking together in the bad times," lectured Bobby.

Dean sighed. Bobby was right.

"I know that Bobby. I know now: I have to prevent 2014 from happening...I have to team up with Sam. Bobby, I will drive to Oklahoma tonight, and if I know something new,I'll call you."

And Dean meant it. The year 2014 had shown him how much he and Sam needed to be together especially in the bad times. And now Dean had to find Sam and pray his baby brother was okay. And why did the guy need to be so far away from him? It would be at least 1000 miles from Greenley, Pennsylvania, to Garber, Oklahoma.

**S**am woke up. His head was throbbing; he was dizzy, and his vision was burry. He had definitely accomplished his goal to drink himself into oblivion. He couldn't even recall the last hours post waking up after his failed suicide attempt. So maybe he was not good enough to kill himself, but he excelled at drinking himself into oblivion.

But maybe drinking himself into oblivion wasn't such a good idea because Sam felt sick and nauseous, so he headed straight to the toilet and puked. But then again Sam did not know if he felt this sick because of the alcohol or because of the fact that he was Lucifer's vessel and everything connected to that insane fact.

What Sam knew was that all his previous ideas of rock bottom had been damn wrong. Where he was right now was rock bottom, and it could not get much worse than this; at least Sam hoped that statement was true. Sam had even been robbed the freedom to off himself, and he was drowning himself in misery. Maybe he should stop with theself-pitying and self-loathing and do something about the apocalypse to reach redemption, but Sam did not know what he should do. What action would be strong enough that it would redeem him? He would have do undo all his wrongs, and that feat was just impossible. And how would he make it alone to stand up against the devil?

Then Sam heard noises outside his motel room. Somebody was definitely picking his lock! He dragged himself out of the bathroom and staggered toward the door. Even if he wanted to fight his attacker,or whoever was on the other side of the door, he couldn't take anyone on while he was so hung-over.

And then Sam saw who entered his room by picking the lock.

"Reggie, Steve, Hank..."

**I hope ****you liked this chapter! Was it good? Was it bad? I would really like to have reviews... I like positive and negative ****reviews****.****I am not saying that reviews keep me writing, because writing is my hobby****,****and I will keep writing no matter what, but reviews keep me motivated to work fast on a story and inspired and help me to improve my writing skills.**

**Thanks for reading & thanks for the support****.**

**Love,**

**die Autorin**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the long wait ;)  
>Sometimes I think that my teachers are slave drivers… they really know how to kill my freetime.. still I made it to write another chapter…. <strong>

**All mistakes are mine !**

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>And introduce an element of cynicism and darkness into it and just realize that we're all vulnerable.<em>

_We are humans._

_There is a finite end to this life and we're all going to face it and a little silliness can help._  
><strong>-<strong>**Alan Thicke**

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am looked shocked at the hunter's, who have picked his lock. He was defenceless against them all. But then again he did not care really much. What if they killed him? Actually he would be better of dead, but he would come back anyway.

"Hello Sam.", the hunter's greeted him and smirked devilish at him. "You know… we thought about why you did not drink the demon blood we gave you. And we come to a conclusion."

Sam could have fought them eventually, if he got them in the right moment. He was strong, but he did not plan on defending himself and he was still hangover from drinking himself into oblivion. His chances were not too high.. Besides, why should he anyway? But he was scared of the conclusions the hunter's came to. How come that they always believed some demons more than humans?

"You know Sam… A demon told us that you just drank human from a special bitch… this Ruby… so we decided to bring her back and make you bitch our little weapon."

Sam could not believe his ears. Are they out of their damn mind? He did not care about what will happen to him, but at the danger the hunter's brought on by relieving Ruby from hell. Angrily he screamed at them.

"Nobody calls me bitch except my brother and I know that you are not the most intelligent people on the earth but bringing back a demon – who helped bring on the end of the world- is the most stupid plan I have ever heard off."

The hunter's hold him back. One of the, Steve, held his arms and pushed him to a wall.

"Shut your pie hole, you little bitch.. You brought the end of the world, do you think you have anything to say to me?"

Then Steve punched him right in the face.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean cursed the fact that he was so damn far away from Sam. He just drove for seventeen hours and was in Missouri. He was tired, but he could not stop driving. Still three hours left, until he was in Garber, Oklahoma.

The prospect of the future scared Dean so shitless that he just had to find Sam and make up with him. If anything happened to Sam right now, Dean could never forgive himself.

He needed to be back with Sam, because Sam was his brother and brothers should stick together, especially in bad times. And of course, Sam betrayed him and brought the end of the world. But if Dean had not broken the first seal none of this would have ever happened. Maybe Sam signed to contract, but Dean started the negotiations.

The most worrisome thing was that Sam has cut off all contact even to Bobby. Everybody knew that if Sam did that, things were bad. The last time he did it he ended up with Ruby.

To calm him down Dean listened to Enter Sandman from Metallica. He always did that, when he was scared or worried.

In three hours, if he was lucky, even earlier, he would be by Sam and they could get back together, be a team again. The two of them fighting against the world. This broken bridged may not be able to mend, but they would do it, somehow.

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am was fighting tooth and nail against the hunters. They could not bring Ruby back. But they only responded by beating him. And Hank started to do a Latin ritual for bringing a demon back.

And then the room was filled by black smoke, which overtook Tom. Ruby was indeed back and used Tom at her vessel. But Steve and Hank did not look shocked that their partner was possessed, no they looked happy. Could they be this dumb? Really?

"Hello boys. Thanks for getting me out of hell. It was really nice of you."

She greeted the persons in the room with an evil smirk. How idiotic human beings can be? But she would not complain? She was back out of hell. And got she had some revenge plan.

"It worked. Hello Ruby. We have some wishes"

Ruby laughed sarcastically.

"Wishes? Am I an angel or a gini? Boy, I do not grant any wishes. I am a demon! You really are naïve. And what should I grant you a wish for? For this ugly host I am in? The only thing from me you get is death."

The Ruby turned and smashed Sam head on against the wall, so he could not interfere, and she killed the Steve and Hank. The only thing she really wanted is to take revenge on Sam for getting her back to hell and now was the time to do that. She went to Sam hit him against the wall and spoke:

"Hello, Sammy. Long time not seen. You little shit send me back to hell."

Sam wanted to exorcise her, but the hit to his head made him really confused, dizzy and groggy and he could not speak the exorcism.

Ruby meanwhile took a knife and decided for a nice punishment.

"I figured out, that Lucifer want let you die… This does not mean that I can not have my fun with you, Sammy. You may have brought Lucifer on earth, and I am thankful for that, but you get me back to hell and we are egoistic. So it is time for my revenge. I hope you like pain..."

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was still driving. Two hours to go. He was tired. He drove through for eighteen hours, but at least he was finally in Oklahoma.

And not only that he wanted to make up with Sam because of the version of the future, no, now he had this bad feeling in his stomach, too.

And this kind of bad feeling about Sam was right most of the time. His Sammy Radar told him that something was really wrong with his little brother and Sam was in danger. He just knew stuff like this and his feelings he could trust.

So he decided to make it in less than the two hours to Garber. Because he may be mad at Sam, he may mistrust him, but he would always protect him.

**R**uby cut Sam's abdomen and Sam screamed in agony. Slowly she started to pull out his intestines. Sam thought he knew pain, he thought he knew agony, but this was a whole new level. He felt like his intestines were ripped from his body, but wait. They were. His intestines were pulled out of his body! He could look at his intestines, if his vision would not be so blurry by the pain. This pain was bad, really bad. Abdominal wounds really were the worst.

He had to stop this, he had to.

With barely any strength left, he remembered the exorcism again he started to rattle the exorcism down:

„Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica...  
>Ergo, draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica, adjuramus te ... cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque æternæ perditionìs venenum propinare...<br>Vade, satana, inventor et magister omnis fallaciæ, hostis humanæ salutis...  
>Humiliare sub potenti manu Dei; contremisce et effuge, invocato a nobis sancto et terribili nomine... quem inferi tremunt...<br>Ab insidiis diaboli, libera nos, Domine.  
>Ut Ecclesiam tuam secura tibi facias libertate servire, te rogamus, audi nos."<p>

Ruby screamed as she was sent back to hell again and her host fell lifeless to the ground. And Sam breathed rapidly and in pain, while the last strength left his body. He wanted to become unconscious to get away from the pain, but then again the pain was better than meeting Lucifer.

If he could he would just give up and die, but Lucifer would bring him back and Sam did not intend to meet Lucifer again…not ever. Maybe Lucifer would send him to hell before retrieving him or torturing him in saying yes before getting him back living. The guy was the devil after all. This pain was better than that. But what choice did he have. He would lie here and die anyway. Who would come to save him?

* * *

><p><strong>Who would come to save Sam? Yeah.. I inflicted some pain on Sam *devilish grin* and I brought Ruby back to kill her off again. Yay! At least the hunters paid for their stupidity.. <strong>

**How do you like it?**

**The next chapter will take me one or two weeks, I hope..**

**Thanks for reading.**

**I would be really happy about reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello you lovely people!  
>Thank you very much for the reviews 3 I would have answered them all, but I thought you would like a new chapter better than an answer to your review. Thank you! You are awesome guys!<strong>

**I did not think I would make it to write another chapter this fast, but I could skip work yesterday and had learned enough for a history test already, so I had some free time just for this chapter. **

**So here it is:  
>Chapter 4..<strong>

**All mistakes are mine & this is unbeta'd**

**Disclaimer: See Chapter One**

**And I am not a medic, so sorry for all medical errors, this is just fiction!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>The unsaved people<em>

_will be cast into_

_utter darkness forever_.  
>-<strong>Tim LaHaye<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am lay on the floor. He was breathing heavily. It was so damn hard to get oxygen and it hurt like nothing he ever experienced before.

He was bleeding and a big puddle of blood was building underneath him. He was hurting so bad. His hands were trembling with pain and he could barely focus. His mind was blurry and he had tears in his eyes. Tears of pain. Tears of being all alone in a motel room with his intestines sticking out of him.

He felt nauseous. And he did not know if it came from the image of himself right now or from his really bad injuries.

He knew he was dying and he would meet Lucifer again soon just to come back. He did not want to meet the devil ever again. It was one of his greatest fears. But it did not seem to end well. Actually it was nothing short of a miracle that he was still conscious.

And lying here on the floor of some crappy motel room dying, bleeding, crying in pain, barely able to think at all, Sam wanted just one person besides him.

He knew it was maybe childish to be this dependent on one person as a grown up man. He knew that this did not want anything to do with him right now, but right now he just wanted Dean, he just needed Dean.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean finally reached is aim. He made it in nineteen hours instead of in twenty, but he just needed to be with Sam so badly.

"Sammy, I hope you are doing all right." he muttered to himself as he looked at the motel his brother was staying at. It was not too hard to find the motel Sam was staying it, because this Holiday Inn was the only motel in the area, which Sam could have gone to. Dean knew Sam after all.

It was a really sleazy motel, even sleazier than the motels they usually stayed at and it seemed pretty abandoned.

This impression proofed right as Dean walked in the motel. There was no one around not even the motel clerk and just one room key was gone, this meant that just one room was occupied and this meant that Dean already knew which room Sam stayed at.

Maybe Sam chose this motel because it was this abandoned, because Sam wanted to be alone. Sam could get really moody and emo after all and he even thought of himself as dangerous and wanted probably stay away from anybody who could get in danger because of him. And this was just crap, because Sam may have done some shit, but he never did it intentionally and he would never hurt somebody intentionally without a reason. Maybe he wanted to be alone, because Lucifer followed him around. Oh god, Lucifer followed him around. Probably tormented him and Dean left him alone!

Dean had to go to Sam and particular ran to his little brother's room.

He knocked on the door.

"Sam, are you there?"

No answer. He knocked again. Dean just knew that Sam was in this room, even if it was possible that Sam was somewhere else, so he knocked and hoped Sam would open.

"Sam, open that door or I will break it down."

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am still lay on the floor. Where else could he have gone? Every slight movement aggravated the gaping hole in his abdomen, even the trembling, which was caused by his pain, aggravated his pain even more. It was a deadly cycle. He felt cold and painful and tired and confused and nauseous and was in shock.

He asked himself how long he would still lie here until he was dead and he felt sorry for the motel owner who would have to clean up here once Sam has left. After Ruby made him break the last seal he knew she was evil and now she proofed it again. Fucking demon. If he could just make his pain stop!

And then he heard knocking and a voice. A voice, he would recognize under thousand of voices. Was it really there? Or was the pain making him hallucinate? Probably it was the pain. Why should Dean be here? They split up. But he wanted to be irrational, wanted to believe that his big brother came to save him like he used to when they still were okay.

He held on to the hope that Dean really was here.

With a small, quiet voice full of pain he stuttered a weak "Dean…"

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was still standing at the outside of Sam's motel room. And then he heard a small voice full of pain, which belonged to his brother.

"Oh God, Sammy." He screamed.

He never heard his brother speak with such a weak pained voice. He sounded like he was barely hanging on, like his life was on a line which was about to break. Sam sounded so near the verge of death. It hurt Dean to hear his brother wincing in pain so bad and Dean just wondered what the hell happened. He had to get in there and help his brother, because it was so obvious that his brother was injured with some bad injuries, otherwise he never would speak Deans name like he just did. Why had Dean's gut feelings to turn real all the time?

"Sammy. I am kicking the door in, okay? No matter what is wrong, just hang on. I am coming. You will be okay, you hear me?" soothed Dean his brother. He had to give Sam something to hold on, so he would not let go, while he kicked the door in.

And who cared about the damage he did to the door? He had to get to his brother, damnit!

When the door was down, Dean could finally enter Sam's Room and what he saw took his breath away.

He saw a lot of stuff in his life, a lot of ugly and bad stuff and did a lot of bad and cruel stuff in hell and therefore he had an iron stomach, but this sight just made him nauseous.

There lay his baby brother, the one he particular raised, broken in a puddle of his own blood on the floor, three corpses where in the room (but they were not important right now), Sam's shirt was torn and his intestines were sticking out of a gaping whole in his abdomen. He could look at his brother's intestines. Nothing was crueler than that sight. No torture in hell was worse than seeing his own brother like this. Just looking made him tear up and want to puke.

"God… Sammy..." he cried out with a broken voice.

* * *

><p><strong>Muhahaha…<strong>

**This was chapter 4.. I hoped you like it **

**Poor, poor Sammy!**

**I would be really glad about reviews!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello here I am again!  
>Thanks for your lovely reviews!<strong>

**All mistakes are mine.**

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1.**

**And I am not a medic, so sorry for all medical errors. This is just fiction.**

**Enjoy!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. <em>

_No matter how fast light travels,_

_it finds the darkness has always got there first, _

_and is waiting for it._  
>-<strong>Terry Pratchett<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was shell shocked. This was his brother on the floor. His baby brother. Who would do something like this? And why would somebody do something like this?

He walked fast to his brother's side and fell down on his knee.

"Hey Sam!" he said with a soothing voice, while looking in his brother's eyes, which were full on pain.

"Dean…?" stuttered Sam weakly. It sounded like Sam had not expected Dean to show up at all. But that was just wrong. Dean would always come and save Sammy no matter what had happened between them.

"Yeah, it's me. I am here, okay? Just hang in there. I am going to help you, my pain in the ass little brother" Dean explained while looking at his brother's body.

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am thought he was dreaming or hallucinating. Or maybe Lucifer showed up as Dean? Would Dean really come for him? Sam did not know what to think. He did not care that this may be an illusion; he missed Dean, even if they were just apart for some short days.

Why did he screw it up so much? How nice would it be if everything was okay between him and his older brother?

He heard Dean's voice.

"He, Sammy. Hang in there. I am going to get you fixed up, okay? Everything is going to be okay. Just don't die! "

Dean tried to sound calm and soothing, but you could hear the distress and fear in Dean's voice. For Sam this voice was like medicine. He was lying on a floor and in a hell amount of pain and still just Dean's voice could make it all better. And Sam started to realize that this person really was his brother Dean. Nobody could sound him, could sound this devoted. Nobody could imitate these Dean-typical feelings, not even Sam's own mind.

Sam wanted to say to his brother that he should not worry, because it was impossible for Sam to die and stay dead thanks to Lucifer. He had tested that after all. But Sam just could not find the strength to talk; he just could make pained voices, whimpers and maybe scream out Dean's name.

And with one of his hands he held to his brother's hand like he was holding onto life this way.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean watched over his brother and felt his brother's hand trembling in his own and holding on. He could imagine how bad his brother was feeling and he could see how near to death he was. He had to get Sam to a hospital. It did not matter that he could not explain how Sam's injuries happened; his baby brother needed the help, fast.

Dean had seen a hospital on the way to Sam's motel, but it was at least 20 minutes away. And Sam might not have this much time. He could not call an ambulance, because there were corpses on the floor, he would take care of, when his brother was well again.

But what could he do now? He shuddered to think about an option. He had a first aid kit and there was everything he needed in it to put Sam's intestines back in his abdominal cave and stitch his brother up, provisional. So he could stop the bleeding and give his brother enough time to reach the hospital. But this would mean a whole new level of pain for Sam and could Dean really do that? He barely could look at the wound and his brother splayed out intestines without wanting to puke, but touch them?

But then again: This was about Sam's life. This was a question about life or death. And Dean would do whatever it takes to save his brother.

"Sam, listen, buddy… You need to let go of me for a minute. I will get the first-aid-kit and help you, okay? Just need to stitch you up, provisional. Just be strong, okay."

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am let Dean's hand go. He knew that he should be afraid of getting stitched up here, because this was meant to be a whole new level of pain, but with Dean around Sam just felt safe.

Besides, Sam had learned it to suck it up. And being in pain and with his brother was better than being dead to be with Lucifer there to get back to life to maybe say yes to Lucifer on earth every second of every day.

He just hoped that it would be over, soon.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean came back hastily with the first aid kit in his hand. Luckily it was well stocked and there was even a syringe of morphine in it. Sure it was not enough to take Sam's pain away, but it was enough to take the edge of and it was better than nothing.

And Sam needed pain relief. As soon as possible. Maybe it was dangerous to give Sam opiates, because Sam could have a concussion, the nice bruises on his face gave it away that he was beaten before he was sliced open and ripped apart. But the intestines problem needed to be addressed right now and without pain relief, Dean just could not do this to his brother.

He injected the morphine into Sam's arm.

"Sammy, you feel better soon, I promise, okay?" he soothed, while he searched the first aid kit for thread and needle and for medical gloves.

Dean put the medical gloves on and disinfected them, because he was about to touch his brother intestines and Sam could not afford to get an infection of top of this all, if he would not have one already.

While talking calmly to his brother, Dean started to put Sam's intestines back into his abdomen. He could see the pain and stress on his baby brother's face. He felt sick to his stomach touching the pink intestines, but he did not have a choice he needed to save his brother. If he just could take the pain away.

"Sam, it is okay when you scream, okay. Just hang on. You are doing fine." Dean cheered.

Everything what happened between them in the last year, everything what screwed them over was forgotten right now for Dean. He was working with tunnel vision, shutting everything out expect the here and now. He and his brother were in the focus and nothing else mattered right now expect saving Sam.

When he was finished putting the intestines back in Sam's abdominal cavity, Dean relaxed and breathed relieved. The worst part of this makeshift fix-up was down and Sam relaxed to, because stitches he could handle, but his intestines touched was unbearable.

So now Dean put fast some stitches in Sam. He did not try to do them neat, the doctors would open them anyway again at the hospital and fix Sam up for real. The stitches should just hold Sam together until they get to the hospital and stop him from bleeding out.

"Okay, Sam. Everything done. Now I am going to get you to the hospital..."

* * *

><p><strong>I hoped you liked it and the motel room fix-up… soon there will be some hospitalised!Sam..<strong>

**I would be really glad about reviews.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey you lovely readers and reviewers!**

**After a long and exhausting week I am back with a new chapter! **

**All mistakes are mine.**

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1.**

**And I am not a medic, so sorry for all medical errors. This is just fiction.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>"<strong>I<strong>f the whole world is evil, then the tragedy that befell you is justified," she went on. _

_"That would make it easier for you to accept the deaths of your wife and daughters. _

_But if good people do exist, then, however much you deny it, your life will be unbearable; _

_because fate set a trap for you, and you know you didn't deserve it. _

_It isn't the light you want to recover, it's the certainty that there is only darkness."_

**- Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym  
><em><br>_**

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean just had one aim right now: Get Sam to the hospital. The world could end – was ending to be exact – but right now just Sam mattered.

Now Dean just had to get Sam to the car. He put on hand under Sam's knees and the other hand under Sam's back and lifted him up.

Sam winced. The change of position definitely send a new wave of pain through his body.

"Sorry, Sammy. Sorry. Just hold on for a little while longer." Dean calmed and soothed his little brother. The pain and distress his brother was in clearly broke his heart.

He walked out of the motel room as carefully as possible, so he would not put Sam to more pain than he was already in, and he walked really fast to the car.

It was amazing that it was even possible for Dean to carry his larger and heavier brother. Dean should not even be able to lift Sam of the floor, let alone carry him around, but it did not seem to be strain for Dean. It just seemed like it came naturally to Dean.

Reaching the Impala, Sam was fighting to stay conscious, but Dean begged him to hold on and to stay awake and Sam tried his best to fill his brother's pleas.

Dean on the other hand tried to get his keys and open the car without dropping his baby brother and he was successful. He positioned his brother on the backseat and tried to arrange his brother's long limbs so, that Sam was as comfortable as he could possible be this gravely injured.

"Okay, Sammy. I am going to get you to the hospital. Just hang on and stay awake, alright? Everything is going to be okay. I am going to make sure of it."

Dean did not know if he was trying to calm Sam or himself.

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am nodded weakly as response.

His brother was so focused on him right now. It might sound crazy, but Sam had not felt this good in a long time.

When was the last time Dean called him Sammy? When was the last time Dean was so devoted to him? When was the last time Dean cared this much about him and showed it to him?

Sam had missed his big brother, his hero. The brother, he had worshiped the very ground he was walking on.

And even if he was in pain and weak and beaten-up and broken and near passed out and was feeling physically like shit, but having Dean here felt so unbelievable good, even if Sam probably did not deserve this devotion. Why did Sam get such pure and good things? He started the end of the world and he betrayed the best thing that had ever happened to him, Dean. He did not deserve Dean. He did not deserve this devoted care.

Sam looked in his brother's face. It was full of emotions and could say more than thousands of words. There was worry and guilt and love and brokenness and responsibility and determination and so much more.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean looked at his brother's face. On his forehead there where lines of pain and stress and guilt. And his eyes were just open a slit, but still expressed so much. Sam's eyes showed his pain and his tiredness, but they also showed Sam's trust and devotion in Dean, his love for his brother, his guilt and self-hate. And Dean's heart was about to break in even more pieces watching his brother's brokenness.

Dean stroked Sam's hair, as Sam was positioned in the backseat. This gesture, pure and full of affection, could say more than a thousand words to Sam. Then Dean turned away from Sam to get in the driver's seat and finally get Sam to a hospital.

Dean started to drive Sam to the hospital. He was careful not to drive to any potholes, so he would not jostle Sam, but tried at the same time to be as fast as possible. He realized he was trembling all over his body; the horrific experience was just catching up with him. He would be probably falling apart right now, but he had a job to do: Save Sam. He had to keep it together; he had to get Sam to a hospital.

He not only had his eyes on the road, but also in the review mirror to get a look at his brother.

And he did something, which he barely did, which he not even believed in most of the times, but he figured out he should use all options and this was the last resort: He prayed for his brothers silently.

* * *

><p><strong>B<strong>obby was eager to know if Dean had found Sam. Dean should be in Garber right now. Bobby just needed to know that Sam was okay and safe that Sam and Dean were okay. There were his boys and he loved them with all his heart. He would do anything for them.

His heart was breaking for their fate and destiny. They were screwed around with even before they were born. They were manipulated and tortured. They never had an easy life. And especially because of that Bobby just wished, that everything would work out all right for once. But how should it work out all right with the end of the world playing before there eyes?

At least his sons, because that is, what the boys were to him, would make up. Dean and Sam were brothers and they belonged together. It never worked out, when they were separated. They were stronger together, even if they themselves did not realize it.

Bobby decided to call Dean and check up on him. Maybe he had already found Sam?

When Dean picked up his phone and answered: "Hey, Bobby..." Bobby got a really bad gut feeling. Dean sounded bad, really bad. He voice was as broken as in cold oak shortly after Sam died, maybe even more. And Bobby heard the Impala's motor grumble in the back ground. He was driving somewhere. And even more important and terrible: You could hear Sam wincing in the background.

Bobby was not stupid he could count one and one together.

"Sam?" he asked and was afraid of the answer. He could not afford to loose somebody he loved and especially not one of his boys. Losing of his boys meant losing the other, too.

Dean sighed heavily.

"Sam is off in a bad way, Bobby… I found him in his motel room with his intestines sticking out of his body, Bobby."

Dean's voice was crumbling and Bobby was falling apart inside. Who would do something like this to Sam? Why couldn't the boys get a break for once?

Bobby wanted to know what happened exactly, but knew that it was not the moment to ask now, Dean was in to much distress. Bobby would find out later anyway.

Bobby wanted to do something. He would go their and support the boys and help them, he would take Sam's pain on him to help them, but sitting in the wheelchair and not even having a disabled-accessible car to get to Garber, he was useless, but then he had an idea. Maybe he was not this useless after all.

"Listen, Dean. You get ya damn idjit brother to the hospital in Garber. I know a doctor there, whom I will call. He still owes me a favour, saved his ass once from a rugaru. He will take care of everything, so Sam can stay as long as the hospital as he needs without insurance and will keep the police out of this case. You just get your brother to the hospital and do not worry. You know Sam, he is strong, and he will pull through. And call me later and explain everything to me."

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was glad that he did not have to worry about insurance thanks to Bobby, but would his brother really be this strong? Or was his strength broken by now? Sam had been left alone without his support system and was so full of guilt and self-hatred. Dean had not even been there in a time of need for Sam. Had shut Sam out when he calling in distress telling him that the devil had visited him. Was Sam still willing to fight? Dean prayed that Sam was.

Turning into the hospital emergency entry there was already the doctor Bobby had talked about waiting.

Just as Dean put the car to a stop and got out of the car, the doctor and some nurses came with a gurney to the car.

The nurses put Sam carefully on a stretcher and put IVs in him, put a pulse oximeter clip on his index finger and a blood pressure cuff on his biceps, while Dean explained his brothers injuries that Sam had been beaten up and that his intestines had been pulled out and that he had stitched Sam up, provisional.

Then the doctor gave a lot of instructions to his stuff. Dean did barely understand a word, but it sounded bad, real bad. "Critical", "fever", "emergency surgery" and "crisis" seemed to be real bad indications for Sam's terrible condition, especially because Sam was passed out by now. Then Sam was whisked away into the hospital to the operating theatre. Dean wanted to follow, wanted answers and an explanation, but he was not allowed to enter the OR, so he just could plant a kiss on his unconscious baby brother's forehead and beg him to hold on, before going to the waiting room and hoping that his brother would come back to him.

* * *

><p><strong>L<strong>eft in the waiting room alone with his thoughts, Dean started to cry. He thought a break would do them something good, but everything fell apart. His brother was in surgery now, because he failed his job, again. He failed at protecting his brother. Of course he was angry, of course he needed space, but he never wanted this to happen. He never wanted to see his brother hurt this gravely.

His brother had lied on a dirty motel floor with his intestines sticking out of him! What if Dean had not come?

And who had done this to his brother? Whoever done this to his brother have to pay for this. The corpses in the motel room surely had something to do with it. But who where they? He would find out and take care of it, but just once Sam was out of surgery and on the road to recovery.

When Dean finally calmed again, he wiped away his tears and remembered he had wanted to call Bobby.

He was not looking forward to answering the older hunter's questions, because reliving these horrible minutes in the motel room was cruel and hard, but he was looking for comfort. Bobby was like a father to him and even if he never spoke his feelings and was really gruff, he always made it to be a voice of reason and he always showed he loved the boys. Bobby always was there and always found the right words to keep Dean in line.

So Dean called Bobby and told him all he knew, which was actually not very much. Bobby wanted to find out who did this to him. Where the corpses the three hunters who he send there? Did they do this to him? He did not know and it was dangerous to ask around. So Dean just promised to keep Bobby updated and that he would find out who the corpses were and if Sam would pull through, which Bobby said he would because Sam is stubborn, Sam could explain them, what had happened.

After the call Dean was left alone with his thoughts. He decided that he and Sam needed to talk and make up. Of course it would not be easy to trust each other again, to be with each other again, but they would work on it. Dean would apologize for rejecting Sam and would do his best to make a team out of them again, even if they had the most chick-flick talk in human history, but for this Sam had to come through surgery first.

Time passed and Dean grew worried, more worried than he already was. When would finally somebody talk to him about Sam? Maybe Sam would not pull through? What was taking them so long. Dean was nervously summing Metallica while walking a hole in the floor of the waiting room. He needed information about his brother, now! He asked the nurses every one of them, but nobody knew something. This was horrible and worse then torture.

* * *

><p><strong>W<strong>hen the doctor finally came, Dean jumped up. He needed this information so urgently by now.

"Dr… "

"Dr. James."

"Dr. James, how is my brother?" Dean asked nervously. The doctor seemed to be a nice guy;

He was a friend of Bobby after all and Dean was glad that he helped Sam, but now just Sam's condition mattered.

The doctor gave him a worried look and tried to explain the poor guy, who was worried to death about his brother, how Sam was doing without using to much medical jargon.

"Well he came through surgery. That is something, but I got to tell you abdominal wounds are a bitch - sorry for my enunciation. Your brother was in hypotension when he got here; he lost a lot of blood and was bleeding internally, which we had to stop in surgery; luckily the intestines themselves still were intact. Alone the blood loss, shock and hypotension make his condition critical, but in your brother's case infection took hold in his body. He has peritonitis, an infection of the inner lining of the stomach, pretty common for somebody with internal abdominal wounds. We treat your brother with strong antibiotics, but only time will tell. He is still critical, but he is young and strong. Also you're brother's stomach muscles have been damaged and as his intestines were pulled from his body, he will need a lengthy recovery time as in months of recovery and rehabilitation and is on complete bed rest for the next weeks. Your brother has also broken ribs, a concussion, cuts and laceration from quite a beating. If you have more questions, feel free to ask me. I hope Sam pulls through; the two of you seem to be pretty important to Bobby and to each other. If you want, the nurse Tisdale leads you to his ICU room. And do not worry about insurance or the police, I got it covered, still owed Bobby a favour. "

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was shell shocked about his brother's condition. He did not know if he should be relieved or anxious. Sam was in critical condition and hurt so gravely and being sick with peritonitis, but he was still alive. An other thing which bothered Dean was that Sam needed months to recover from this; they were in the middle of the apocalypse! Then again, Dean had already set his priorities: He would be there for Sam every minute of the way.

He wished that Cas had still his healing mumbo jumbo, but Cas had not and even if he had, the angel was just not to reach right now.

But Dean could take care of Sam himself, too. Dean still knew how to care for his brother and that is what he would do now, too. Dean could encourage his brother to pull through.

Standing in front of his brother's ICU room, a nurse had leaded him to, just some metres and a door separated Dean from his brother. Dean was antsy to see his brother, to see with his own eyes that Sam was still leaving.

He took a deep breath and prepared himself to see his badly injured and sick.

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><p><strong>I hoped you liked it and that there were not too many mistakes!<strong>

**I would be really glad about reviews.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey you lovely readers and reviewers!**

**After long and exhausting weeks I am back with a new chapter! I am sorry that it took longer than I planned, but school and my job really took all my time…**

**The mistakes are mine and I am deeply sorry for them, too. You can keep them, if you find them.**

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1.**

**And I am not a medic, so sorry for all medical errors. This is just fiction and I made up the stuff, so it matched in my story and hopefully still sounded realistic.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"<em>Darkness always had its part to play.<em>

_Without it, how would we know when we walked in the light?_

_It's only when its ambitions become too grandiose that it must be opposed,_

_disciplined,_

_sometimes—if necessary—brought down for a time._

_Then it will rise again, as it must."  
>― <strong>C<strong>live Barker, Abarat_

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><p><strong>D<strong>ean entered Sam's ICU room. He shuddered at the sight of his brother. Sam chest was bare in case there was a crisis and Sam needed resuscitation. The hospital gown was pulled down and the thin blue bed sheet just covered the lower part of Sam's body. A big and bulky dressing covered the wound from surgery. The skin around the wound was coloured slightly yellow from the iodine, which was used to disinfect the surgical site. This yellow just matched the glorious play of colours on Sam's chest. There were bruises on Sam's chest. Yellow and blue and black bruises indicated the broken ribs and proved that Sam really had taken quite the beating.

There were tube and wires everywhere. The three electrodes on Sam's chest were connected to a heart monitor, which beeped steadily. It was an annoying sound, but at the same time it was relieving, because it indicated, that Sam was still alive, although his heart beat to fast as a consequence off the hypotension. The blood pressure cuff on his arm showed, that his blood pressure was way too low. The multiple IVs in his arms fed him with pain medication and antibiotics and kept him hydrated with saline drips. A bag filled with a red fluid was definitely a much needed blood transfusion. On Sam's index finger was a pulsoximeter, indication that the oxygen blood saturation was good enough, so Sam did not need support breathing. That was something that calmed Dean a lot.

Dean's view moved to Sam's face. Sam looked pale, really pale, deathly pale and even if Sam was unconscious and drugged his face showed lines of pain, otherwise Sam looked still and death. A thin coat of sweat one Sam's face showed, that Sam has a fever and made the infection evident.

Sam's whole body was covered in bruises and small laceration, but the really bad injury was hidden under the big gauze pad. Dean thought that this was a horrible sight and no one should have to go through a situation like this, where a loved one was in such a life-threatening situation, but then again: Sam looked so much better than at the motel room.

But there was one thing that irritated Dean a lot: There was an ugly scar on Sam's chest right on the skin under Sam's heart. A scar which could come from a near deadly injury. – It was not there before Sam and Dean had separated. Where did it come from? What happened? These were two questions, which added to the long list of questions Dean had since coming to Garber. What had happened to Sam? Who where the corpses? Who did that to Sam? Would Sam and he be able to fix their relationship? What should he do with the motel room? What would happen if the motel room owner found out what happened to Sam's room? Why did somebody to something like that to Sam? There were so many questions, but it was senseless for Dean to tax his brain about it. Sam was probably the only one, who could answer his questions and besides, right now there was only one thing that mattered: Getting Sam healthy again and being there for him.

Everything else could wait while Dean waited for Sam to wake up.

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><p><strong>S<strong>am opened his eyes. He felt groggy and confused. His mind was fuzzy and his vision blurry. It was so hard to focus on anything.

The beeping noise in the background was too loud and too penetrating. The light and the white walls were too bright and way too much for his eyes. The pain in his abdomen was hurtful, but bearable by now. The smell of antiseptic penetrated his sense of smelling. At least Sam knew where he was now: A hospital.

He needed a moment to realize why he was here and when he remembered, he wished he had not. He did not want to remember the piercing and fierce pain burning through his body like fire, while he was completely helpless and vulnerable.

And then he remembered who had saved him: Dean. Dean always was there for him, always was protecting him. Sam felt like he did not deserve it and was afraid of the explaining Dean would demand, but at the same time felt glad that he always could count on Dean, that he was loved and that he was safe.

Sam wanted to turn his head to see if Dean was there, but this small movement send a new and fresh wave of pain through his body.

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><p><strong>D<strong>ean had been in a restless sleep. One of his first times of sleep since returning from the pit, where his nightmares were not about hell, but about the cruel sight of his brother laying gutted in a dirty motel room. He was awoken from the restlessness by the whimpering sound from his brother.

He shot awake directly. It has been two days since Sam came out of surgery and he had not woken up once, but his fever had been rising. It had just broken some hours before and Dean had fallen in a restless sleep afterwards.

And finally Dean was able to see his brother's beautiful eyes again.

"Hey Sammy." Greeted Dean Sam caringly and happily. He had probably never been this relieved to see his brother's eyes, expect ones: When Sam woke up from the dead in Cold Oak. But it was hard to see his brother in this much pain, too.

Sam wanted to answer, to assure his brother that he would pull through, but the pain fogged his senses and made it unable for him to speak. He just whimpered a quiet and broken "Dean."

Dean took his brother's hand to comfort Sam.

"Sam, it is going to be okay. You are going to be fine." He said, while taking the button of the morphine pump and giving it to Sam. "Look, press here and the pain will subside, okay?"

After Sam had pressed the morphine pump weakly, he felt the pain subside. It had not gone away, but the morphine had taken the edge of, but it made him tired, too. Sam wanted to fight to keep his eyes open, wanted to talk to Dean and did not want to go back to sleeping and dreaming, because he was afraid of dreaming of Lucifer and because he wanted to settle things with Dean.

Dean noticed that Sam was fighting to stay awake.

"Sam is okay. Go back to sleep. You need it. I am here, okay? And I am not going anywhere."

* * *

><p><strong>T<strong>he next time Sam awoke, he could think more clearly and he was more focused, but he still felt like his intestines were ripped off from his body, which they were.

The light in his hospital room was dim and through the window you could see that it was dark outside – It was night.

He turned his head around to see if his brother was still here as promised and he saw him sleeping restless on a chair next to his bed. Sam wanted to prop himself up, so that he could see Dean better and could analyze his facial expression, but just these small movement – lifting his upper body just a centimetre from the bad – made him breath heavily and gaps in pain, tears welling up in his eyes.

And from one second to another Dean shot awake and was solely focused on his whimpering brother. He sat down on his brother's bedside and tried to make his brother all better. Than seeing his brother in pain was worse than any other torture.

"Hey Sam… Look at me… It is going to be alright… Just don't move." He soothed, while drawing calm circles with one of his hands on his brother's right arm and searching for the morphine pump with his other hand. "The pain is going to subside soon, okay? Just breathe easy." Dean soothed, while pressing the brother.

When Sam's breathing had evened out, Dean could calm down a bit.

"Wanted to give me a heart attack, bitch? You know I need my beauty sleep." He joked. When was the last time he and Sam were lighthearted? When was the last time they could just banter? Ages ago. Dean decided to work on it.

Sam just started to smile. Dean had just called him "bitch" and he had called him "Sammy" before. Maybe things were screwed up between them, but it seemed like they started to work it out and Sam was happy about it. Yes, he was a screw-up and yes, he did not deserve Dean and yes, he started the apocalypse, but he still wanted and needed his brother, especially when he was hurt and in pain and not able to kill himself. So Sam decided for a little-brother-annoys-his-big-brother-with-lots-of-brotherly-love-in-his voice-answer.

"Sorry, but I think that not even sleep could make you beautiful, Jerk."

There was a pure moment between them. They were not thinking about Lucifer, about the past or about the apocalypse, they were just thinking about themselves: Sam and Dean, brothers, inseparable.

Dean could have thrown a snarky remark at his brother, because that was, what they normally did, but it was time for a fix-up, time for a "serious Dean moment".

"Sammy… Listen we need to talk, okay?"

Sam swallowed. What was about to come know? Something about the demon infected monster? Something about Lucifer? Something about the apocalypse? Just a minute ago he and Dean had behaved just like before everything went to hell (or better said: before Dean went to hell) and now it was time for a talk (they never ended well).

"Dean…." Sam whined. He did not want to have this talk, especially not when his defences where down.

But Dean did not let him check out.

"No Sammy, we need to talk. I have so many questions to you. What the hell happened? And which son of a bitch did that to you? But first of all I want to apologize, Sam. I am so sorry. I was wrong. The point is... maybe we are each other's Achilles' heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know, we're all we've got. More than that... we keep each other human. I was wrong for thinking we should separate and I want to apologize…"

Dean looked deeply guilty and his face was full of emotions. What did he have to be sorry about? He did nothing wrong. Everyone on Dean's position would have acted the same way – At least that was what Sam thought.

"No, Dean don't do that. You were right. I started the apocalypse, man, I screwed up, you had every right to act the way you did…"

Sam explained, even if talking really did hurt him physically.

Dean looked at his brother and asked himself how his baby brother still could defend him, even if it was this obvious that Dean was guilty.

"No, Sammy. Look, you broke the last seal, but I broke the first one in the first place. We were manipulated into this and you made some wrong choices and hell, yes they hurt me. But Sam: I always had this one job in my life and I totally ignored it. I failed to protect you, to be there for you and you nearly got killed. Sam, we are family and you don't shut family out, so I am sorry. And when I finally got, that we have to be together, have to hunt together and I found out, where you were, I found you in this motel and it was nearly too late… you could have… you could have been…"

"But I am still alive…" Said Sam to calm his emotional agitated brother down. On the one hand Sam was happy and relieved to hear his brother's protection, love and guilt towards him, because it was such a mutual and needed feeling and Sam had missed it to hear his brother this way. It was typical for Winchesters, feeling all this complicated feelings, feeling a lot of guilt for things you are not responsible for and just speak your emotions in and after touch-and-go or life-changing events. On the other hand Sam felt bad, he hated it when his brother felt guilty and bad about something towards him, especially when it was not Dean's fault and when Sam was the one to screw up.

The next thing Sam thought about was how he could ease the atmosphere, disburden Dean from his bad feelings and he thought about going the typical Winchester brother way: Squabble and Joke.

"And was this recited from a lifetime movie? Such a speak from somebody whose first rule is 'No chick flick moments'"

"You really know how to destroy a moment, don't you Samantha?" Dean replied. It was so normal, so mutual to have this bickering. And Dean could really truly smile for the first time in days. His brother was here and yes, Sam was sick, injured and bedbound and probably pretty screwed up inside, but Sam was here and alive and with Dean and the two of them seemed to work their problems out. They would be okay, even if it was a long way, they had taken the first step. Dean was so very relieved, because Sam was all he got and at the same time Dean was happy that Sam could not hear his thoughts, because this was even more chick-flick-like than his little speech, and he would never hear the end of it. But then again: When it was a big and ugly chick flick moment they needed to fix their relationship than should it be.

And while Dean was thinking about everything, Sam was falling back asleep. No surprise there, Sam had been through the wringer and was so weak right now.

As Dean looked at his apparently sleeping brother it was time to say something, which Dean got really rarely over his lips.

"I love you, Bitch."

"Love you, too, jerk." Came the reply from Sam, who was mumbling it in half-sleep.

Dean and Sam Winchester were not alright, no, they were not, but they were on the best way to be, because they finally realized what was really important.

While Dean watched his injured brother sleep, he was happy to have him back at his side or to be back at his side (however you look at it), but the really hard part was still about to come for Dean: Finding out what happened, hearing out of his brother's mouth how somebody did such a cruel injury to him.

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><p><strong>I hoped you liked it and that there were not too many mistakes and that my chick flick moment deserved the title chick flick moment.<strong>

**Next chapter Dean will finally find out what happened... *muhahaha***

**I would be really glad about reviews.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey you lovely readers and reviewers!**

**Thanks for sticking to this story, thanks for the reviews and thanks for all the alerts. I really really appreciate and love tem!**

**I am back with a new chapter… Dean is going to find out some stuff… **

**All mistakes are mine (as always) and I am deeply sorry for them… **

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1.**

**And I am not a medic, so sorry for all medical errors. This is just fiction and I made up the stuff, so it matched in my story and hopefully still sounded realistic.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"<em><strong>B<strong>ut they can't know how the dark space inside me is growing._

_I lie to them._

_I can't get out of the dark hole._

_'Peace is here' it whispers."_

-**L**urlene McDaniel, Breathless

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><p><strong>D<strong>ean was still sitting in Sam's ICU room hours later. Seriously, where else should he be than here.

He watched the nurses check in and out of the room. He watched the doctor examining Sam. He asked all questions about Sam's condition, which came to his mind. He wanted to know every single detail of Sam's health status.

Sam still looked like crap, still was weak, in agony, still had an infection and would stay in ICU until the infection would go away, but all in all Sam was doing better.

Dean called Bobby, because he promised updates about Sam and Dean promised Bobby that Sam would call Bobby, when Sam felt up to it.

Dean was watching Sam protectively, more protective than normally, after all Sam had experienced something horrifying, even if Dean did not know the whole story, it had to be a horrible story.

And this leads us to something completely different going on in Dean's mind. Beside the complete focus on Sam and his health, there was this eagerness to find out, what had happened. Dean knew he would not like what had happened exactly, but he needed to know, needed to know on who he could take vengeance on. Dean needed to build up some patience to find out, as he could not disturb Sam's rest (Sam really needed all energy he could get to heal) and he did not want to push Sam, as it would doubtlessly be hard for Sam to voice what had happened.

* * *

><p><strong>W<strong>hen Sam woke up again and turned his head to his side, he saw that his brother was still there in a chair next to him, lost in thought and Dean reacted directly to Sam's little movement like he could sense what was going on with Sam (as he probably could).

"Hey Sammy…" Greeted Dean.

And Sam could read so much in Dean's facial expression. He spend nearly his whole life with Dean and knew everything about the man and right now he saw on Dean's face a lot of stuff and most outstanding expression on Dean's face was the need for answers, the need for explanations.

"Guess It is time for me to explain how I ended up this way, huh?" Sam asked laxly, even though revealing the whole story scared the crap out of him.

Dean nodded. He saw that even thinking about the events at the motel made Sam tremble, but he needed to know.

"Would be really convenient…"

Dean explained. He did not want to stress his gravely injured brother, but he needed to know. It had been days since the attack and Dean still did not know what had happened.

"Okay, I will tell you, but please help me up first, I feel dumb lying flat on my back while talking to you…", explained Sam, while trying to muster up the strength to sit up, but Dean pushed him down, as he heard the doctor's orders more than once, because when it was about Sam you could never be safe enough.

"Start to forget that thought, Sammy. As you may have noticed every little movement does hurt you, so do you really think sitting up, putting this strain on your wounded abdomen, would be a good idea? Besides, your doctor ordered complete bed rest, no movements, which strain your abdominal muscles. So just lay there and do not move, so your body can heal!

Sam growled annoyed and loudly and proofed by that his brother's point, as even growling made him hurt.

"See Sam, told you. Even growling causes you pain, hell, even breathing causes you pain, so just lay there, okay?"

Sam was annoyed, because he hated it to be restricted, but his brother had a point, a good one. He was not even able to breathe without pain, he was dependant on his morphine pump, so he could reduce the pain (not take it away!), so he would not pass out from it.

"So, Sam… Shoot… What the hell had happened to you? Who did this? Names would help… Names would go a long way…"

Stated Dean, eager to know, but at the same time afraid, what he might find out.

Sam took a deep painful breath and answered the first question.

"Who had ripped my intestines out of my body? May come as a shocker… It was Ruby…"

Dean starred at Sam shocked.

"The Ruby?" He asked mumbling in disbelief, unable to muster the ability to say something more intelligible.

"Yeah… Ruby, the demon. I know she was supposed to be dead, but she was brought back…"

Who on earth would bring a demon back? Who would to this? Lucifer? Dean gasped in shock.

"Who would bring a demon back and why?" Asked Dean, fearing that the answer was Lucifer, but every answer was bad.

Sam knew he needed to talk about the events at the bar and he prepared himself with a moment of silence.

"I have to begin at the start therefore… I was working in the bar and there where this hunters Bobby send, because I did not want to hunt. They somehow knew about the apocalypse, my abilities and my…. My addiction. They wanted me to drink demon blood, so I would be their weapon…"

Sam was distant while talking, like he did not want to distance from the events, like he tried to stop reliving this story, even if he told it himself.

And Dean was getting angry at some certain people.

Hunters wanted Sam to drink human blood, so he could be their weapon? Dean was beyond furious.

"They wanted to force-feed you… They are so dead…"

Dean spoke in fragments, his voice getting loud and pitching in anger toward these dumbass hunters. Dean started to growl angrily, but Sam interrupted him.

"Dean, let me talk, I want to get this behind me. So just let me tell you everything without interruption… They wanted to kill one of my colleges, if I would not drink it, but I did not, just saved Lindsay and got back to the motel… There I get this unpleasant visit… I was in a moment, where my defences where down…"

Sam did not want to tell, why his defences where down. This was something his brother did not need to know. It was worse enough that his brother was burdened with him; he did not to increase this burden, by talking about his suicidal ideations. Besides, voicing this stuff would make Sam an emotional mess (more than he already was right now).

"The hunters picked my lock and I was not prepared for them. They had this crazy idea that I would not drink anyone's demon blood, but that I would just drink Ruby's blood and so they wanted to summon her… I told them to stop, but they just beat me and summoned her… Ruby still was a little angry about us killing her and decided to take her revenge, by making me suffer… You can guess, that she cut me open and….yeah… exorcised her with my last strength, but I was already… "

Sam did not want to speak it; he just looked down at his body and cringed in panic remembering how helpless and vulnerable he had been. Dean did not want to hear details how Sam felt, when his intestines were ripped. They both knew what happened and even the image without details was gruesome.

And Dean was so angry. Human beings did this to his brother. Human beings did something so cruel to Sam. They would be going to pay.

"How stupid is humanity. They are so dead. Sam I swear to you I am going to kill them. Fuck it, they are not human." Dean started his torrent of hatred. There was nothing you could justify hurting Sam with. Everybody, who hurts Sam, would have to face Dean's wrath, but Sam interrupted Dean.

"They are already dead… They kind of expected a reward from Ruby… Some kind of hunters, I tell you… They were thinking a demon would do something good, ha. The only reward they get was death…"

Things started to make sense, even if they were still open questions (Why hadn't Sam's phone numbers been available? Where did the scar on Sam's chest come from?), the situation was starting clear itself. Dean was glad that he was now in the picture of what Sam had to go through, but was at the same time full of anger and the wish for revenge and he was guilty, that he had not been there for Sam, when Sam was suffering and alone. Dean seated himself on the bed and tried to show his brother, who was clearly in stress and in pain from telling the story, some comfort.

"The corpses in the motel room where…. Oh god… Sam, I am so sorry this happened to you."

"Don't be sorry, was not your fault. You actually came to save me, Dean."

Dean knew logically that Sam was right, but one the other hand: If Dean would have never separated from Sam, he would have been there and would have beaten some sense in the hunters (even if sense meant death.).

"Sam. I would bring them back to life just to kill them again." Dean stated and meant it. He wanted to inflict real pain on the hunters, wanted to show them, what Alastair had teached him. They deserved to suffer.

"Come on, Dean. They are dead and it is over. They had their reasons after all. I mean for coming for me… The think with Ruby was beyond stupid, but you know, they where beyond stupid, too."

"You are not trying to defend these hunters, Sam, are you? Because they had no good reason at all."

Dean was beyond angry and vengeful, but Sam was just resigned.

"They had reasons. I broke the last seal, I started the apocalypse, drank demon blood and betrayed my own brother… does this ring any bells?" Sam explained. His voice was filled of his self-hatred and Dean flinched at hearing this tone in his brother's voice. He had wanted his brother to feel bad, yes, but not anymore and never this bad.

"Shut up, Sam! You did wrong stuff, but you were manipulated, we both were, even before we were born. You are so much better than these fucking hunters."

Dean told Sam. Sam should not be this resigned towards these hunters and he should know that he was a fucking good person, even if he did some shit, but Sam would not want to have it.

"Not really Dean."

"Sam, stop that. These hunters behaved like monsters, no, actually even worse. Sam you did stuff wrong, you felt, still feel, bad about it and you suffered, still suffer, because of it, but you never did it intentionally and you never would do something like the hunters did. I was mad that you turned to Ruby and choose her over me; you thought it was right, but it was not, but I was always certain that you are a good guy. Okay, get used to it! Be mad at these hunters. They deserved death, they would even deserve hell!"

Dean went on. He wanted Sam to feel better and wanted Sam to defend himself again and was so furious that somebody made Sam suffer. He loved Sam more than anything on the planet and everybody who did something to Sam deserved hell in Dean's opinion. It was a strong opinion, but when it was about Sam, there was no joking.

Sam loved it to here such words out of Dean's mouth, but did not want to believe him. After all, the hunters could not be better than him. He started the end of the world, damnit! But Sam was to fucking exhausted to disagree and argue, so he just said "Okay."

Dean knew Sam was not hundred percent honest with his answer. Dean knew that Sam did not believe that he was a good guy, but Dean let it go. Sam was exhausted, in pain and tired and had answered a lot of open questions, the rest could wait.

Sam was glad that Dean let it go; he was way too wiped out for a sermon and chick-flick-talk about his self-worth. Dean just wanted to make him feel better, because Dean felt guilty, because Sam got hurt. At least that was what Sam thought.

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><p><strong>S<strong>ome minutes later there was some completely different thought coming for Sam.

"Oh my god Dean…. The motel room…" He exclaimed.

Dean looked confused at him, not really knowing what was going on.

"Dean, the corpses in my motel room? We have to make them disappear. Fuck, It's been – how long have I been here? – 4 or 5 days? When somebody finds them…"

Okay, there was definitely a problem. And Dean knew he had to do something about it, before somebody found the corpses, but he had been just too worried about Sam, that he totally forgot to take care of the bodies.

"Calm down. I know it sounds dumb out of my mouth, because I just aggregated you by letting you tell me everything, but you should not get aggregated unnecessary, it is unhealthy in your condition, okay? You need all your energy. I will take care of it. Don't worry."

Sam nodded. He always could rely on his brother. He was so lucky that he had Dean. At the Sam time he was annoyed that he was so restricted, could not take care of this one thing, hell, could not even sit up, let alone get out of bed. He felt helpless, but relieved, that he had Dean, who always protected and supported and helped him.

"I am going to the motel right away? The sooner the bodies are gone, the better. Please rest, listen to your doctor and to the nurses and call me if anything happens or if you need anything, okay? Sammy?"

Sam nodded.

"Okay. I will be back as soon as possible."

And Dean meant it. He would be back as soon as possible. He hated it to leave his brother alone in a hospital, especially if Sam was so gravely injured and his defences were down, but he had no other choice. He had to take care of the bodies.

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><p><strong>That was it – Chapter 8. I hoped you liked it…<strong>

**Dean got all protective again like he used, too… And the next chapter Dean will see Sam's motel room again and this time he may notice some details… I do not want to say more…**

**I hope you stick to this story.**

**I would be really happy about reviews.**

**Thanks for reading this.**

**Sincerely**

**Die Autorin. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello my beloved reviewers and readers!**

**Thanks for your continuing support!  
>I am back with a new chapter.<strong>

**Honestly in this chapter does not happen too much… **

**It is just preparing the next one, but I hope it does not get to boring…. **

**I am sorry for all mistakes, please have mercy ;)…**

**And Supernatural is still not mine, if it would be, the boys would not were shirts and would be hugging way more often!**

**And again: For all medical errors I am sorry, too… I am just a student, who makes up a fictional story. **

**I hope you like the following chapter.  
>Enjoy! <strong>

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><p>"<em><strong>E<strong>__veryone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."  
><em>― **M**ark Twain

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><p><strong>D<strong>ean was driving to the motel. On the backseat of the Impala was Sammy's dried blood and Dean got a reminder of his whimpering near death brother, lying in the backseat, being so close to death.

Dean was so relieved that he had gotten the chance to get clean with Sam. Now they were on the right way. Sam was not out of the woods yet, but he was on the road to recovery and the same applied for Sam's and Dean's relationship as brothers. They were not okay, but on the way there.

"Thanks for not taking Sammy away from me." It was a mantra going on in Dean's head.

How could he have dealt with the loss of his brother (He could not have, he never could and never would).

Dean did not magically trust Sam or had forgiven and forgotten everything, but he was starting to. He had just remembered that Sam was family and family was more important than anything. He decided to fight for his family, because Sam was all he got (and at the same time all he really needed).

* * *

><p><strong>A<strong>t the motel room Dean wondered how it was possible that nobody found the corpses by now, but when he entered he found out why. The motel was still empty; just Sam's room key was missing and a motel clerk was there. The guy looked old and haggard and greeted Dean.

"Good timing, young boy. I came her just a minute ago...Was not here for the past week, was in the hospital and just came back here. I do not have anybody to take care of this place, so business had to wait. I just had or still have one guest and he wanted to be alone…Sorry, I am talking too much; I have nobody to turn to. How can I help you?"

It was the first time that Dean was happy that some nice old human being was in the hospital, because if the guy had found out about the corpses Dean and Sam were in for a lot of trouble. They could not even have fled from police or FBI, because Sam was in no condition to, but luckily they did not have to.

"The guy you talked about is the reason I am here. He is my brother and is in the hospital… It is a complicated story. I am just here to get some of his stuff."

It was a half-truth, Dean was so good at them, and the motel guy believed him and luckily did not escort him to Sam's room. Dean went to Sam's room on his own.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean stood in front of his brother's motel room. The door was still kicked in, but did not look too broken. The worst thing was the smell coming from the room. It smelled rotten and putrefied.

Entering the room the sight of the three corpses greeted him. He faced this three faces with hatefulness. They were responsible for Sam's pain and nearly took Sam away from him and Dean would love to make them suffer for it, but they were already dead. But what was even worse than it, was the sight of Sam's blood. Suddenly he was caught in a flashback, remembering how he entered this room the last time, found his brother injured with his intestines outside of his body. He remembered how his brother was on the verge of death and in hellish agony, while Dean stitched him provisional together. These memories had probably a stronger effect on him than the memories of hell and he was sure he never would forget them.

But he was not here to get an emotional breakdown; he was here to take care of the bodies, so he did what Winchesters could do well: Bury their emotions and do their work. Dean was experienced in the removal of bodies since he and Sam did it regularly. So it was no surprised, that Dean could carry three heavy corpses away and salt and burn them, unnoticed. For the souls of the hunters Dean just hoped that they suffered in hell.

Without the corpses there was just the blood and the broken door, which needed to be explained. They needed to avoid attracting attention since they were in for a long stay. The door looked not too broken, so Dean tried to repair it and succeed.

The blood was a completely other story. First of all, he did not want to be faced with his brother's blood (Just too damn hard!) and second, he would never get it out of the ugly carpet. Dean decided to go for a story to explain the blood, in which his brother got an injury by accident, which left him bleeding on the motel room and hoped the motel guy would buy it.

* * *

><p><strong>A<strong>fter most of the clean-up and making-up of the story (which still had to be told) Dean looked around in the motel room and noticed some other little things.

He noticed empty bottles of alcoholic drinks. Sam must have drunk a lot of alcohol. If Sam had drunken this alcohol all at once, he could have probably ended up with alcohol poisoning. Why did Sam do something like that to himself? He was not the guy, who drunk, just rarely and then not this much. He got drunk really fast, anyway.

Another thing Dean noticed were other marks of blood on the floor, which could not come from Sam's abdominal injury, since the blood was on another place and there was a bullet and the matching magnum 45 (He knew so well, because it was one of theirs) next to this puddle of blood. A bullet? Blood? Did Sam leave some parts out of his story? Was this bullet the reason for the new scar on Sam's chest and how the hell was it already healed, when it had just happened? So many mysteries were there, which just could be solved by Sam. Just when some questions had resolved, new ones turned up.

The third thing Dean saw was the broken bathroom mirror and even more blood, when he entered the bathroom. It had definitely happened even more than Sam had told him. Did Sam break the mirror by punching his mirror image? Where did all the blood come from? Dean was sure that Sam may have been a bit self-destructive while alone (because, hell, Dean knew Sam!). So Sam's enemies were not only Ruby, the hunters, demons, but Sam himself, too. When Dean got back to Sam's hospital room they needed to talk again. What had Sam done to himself and what else had happened to his beloved baby brother?

* * *

><p><strong>L<strong>eaving the motel room behind, Dean had just two things in mind: Thanks that the motel guy bought the story about the blood stains and the broken bathroom mirror and I have to talk to Sam.

At the Sam time Dean promised on thing to himself: I am never going to leave Sam alone ever again. I always will answer his calls for help and I never will let him go.

The last days had marked him for live worse than hell or the apocalypse ever could.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean was back at the hospital and stood in the door of his brother's room and watched Sam sleep. It was good that Sam had listened and rested. There was something what bothered Dean a lot: His brother was not even peaceful, while sleeping. All the anger Dean had carried towards his brother was gone since he found Sam and Dean's heard broke for his Sammy.

While entering the room and sitting down on the chair next to his brother, Sam woke up.

"Hey Sammy. Sorry, did I wake you?" He greeted his brother.

"No… I was just dozing…"

"How you feel?" Dean asked. Sam still looked so fragile and hurt, there were still all this tubes and wires and this beeping everywhere. Dean just felt so bad that his brother had to suffer through this, had nearly died because of this.

"I am as okay as it can be expected…" Sam answered, but it was obvious that something was bothering the guy especially for Dean as he knew Sam better than anyone.

"What is wrong, Sammy?" Dean asked caringly.

Sam sighed.

"I talked to my doctor. He said I need months to recover from this, Dean. Months!" Sam exclaimed and got so agitated, that he made himself cringe in pain needing a new dose of morphine.

"Sam, man, cool down. I know that, heard it from the guy, too. You were hurt gravely and need some recovery. We can manage." Dean said. He would do whatever it took to get his brother healthy again.

"We can't. The apocalypse is playing in front of our eyes and I am lying around in bed, not even able to move. I have to stop this, I caused it. You probably should leave… I mean you have more important things to worry about…"

Hearing this sentence did touch Dean, because it reminded him of his trip to the future. "We had more important things to worry about" Exactly the words of 2014-Dean. No, they had not.

"Sam, I am sure the apocalypse will still be there, when you have recovered and I am not going anywhere. I did not want to tell you this, but Zachariah took me to the future to see how bad it got and that I should say yes, but the only thing I saw was that I left you alone to fend with the devil. Scared me so much that I drove to Garber, to find you… The point is we have to be together and we will take care of this once you are recovered. Okay? You heal up until you are 100 percent and then we will take care of it. That is final."

Sam nodded, but was not 100 percent okay with Dean's decision, because Dean should save the world; He also knew he could not change the decision. Once Dean's mind was set up you could not change it, especially not when it was about Sam. Besides, his elder had some reasons.

Sam decided for a change of topic.

"So, cleaned everything in my motel room?"

"Yeah, I did. Removed the corpses, repaired the door, explained the blood stains with a made up story… Everything is cleaned up… But I found some things, too…A Bullet, more blood, alcohol, a broken mirror… Mind explaining that to me? You need to tell me the whole story. I know what has been done to you, Sammy. Now I want to know, what you have done to yourself…"

* * *

><p><strong>I hoped the chapter was good!<strong>

**When Sam let Dean go to clean up the motel room he may have forgotten that there are evidences for his self-destructive and suicidal behaviour…**

**So next chapter Dean will find probably something else out, what he won't like at all… du…du…dum…**

**I would be really glad about reviews!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Sincerely**

**Die Autorin**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hallo everybody!**

**Thanks for your lovely support! You are AWESOME!  
>Here is the next chapter….<strong>

**The mistakes are all mine… And I really hope they aren't too much… It is really time to search for a beta-reader…**

**I don't own Supernatural… But I am still working on a plan to get it *muhahaha***

**Have fun with the story ;-)**

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>T<strong>here is darkness inside all of us,_

_though mine is more dangerous than most. _

_Still, we all have it—that part of our soul_

_that is irreparably damaged by the very trials and tribulations of life._

_We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it. _

_Some use it as a shield to hide behind, _

_others as an excuse to do unconscionable things._

_But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole,_

_neither good nor evil unless you make it so_

― **J**enna Maclaine, Bound by Sin

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean waited for an answer. But Sam was silent. How could he ever tell his elder what had gone down? What should he say: Hey Dean, tried to off myself, but unfortunately I am to dumb to do it?" Or should he say "Wanted to die, but I could not even do that right." Both answers would be unsatisfying for Dean, especially because they intend that Sam was suicidal and still mad about his suicide attempt not working. Dean – back in his big brother mother hen mod thanks to his trip to 2014 – would go back to do, what he did best: Protect Sam even if he had to protect Sam from himself, giving Sam a tongue-lashing about how dumb it is to attempt suicide, but Sam could not stop feeling that way. Honestly, if he had died permanently the world would have been saved.

Dean was watching his brother thinking and grew impatiently. He needed to know what had happened.

"Sam could you just tell me what had happened?"

He did not want to get angry, but Dean had just little patience and if he was right and Sam did something to himself he needed to know. He would not let Sam deflect.

Sam sighed and tried to avoid eye contact with his brother.

"I may have been a little self-destructive…."

Self-destructive. Sam had just admitted that he had really done something to himself. Dean's chest felt tight. His heart was beating fast and loudly. How could things get this messed up that his brother was trying to destroy himself? On the other hand Dean was angry; his brother was still avoiding giving a good explanation. What did self-destructive mean exactly?

"Sam, could you be any more cryptic? What have you done?"

Sam sighed in frustration.

"Can't you just let it go? I don't want to talk about it. I am in pain and tired and I really have no nerve to discuss that."

Sam was deflecting. He just used his injury as a shield to hide behind.

"Sam. You are deflecting. We can do it now or you go to sleep and we talk later. The only thing you can do is delaying this talk, but I will get my answers."

And again Sam sighed resigned. Dean had won and Sam knew it. He could not avoid telling his brother about his suicide attempt.

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am took a deep breath – which hurt his abdomen a lot, note to himself: stop taking, deep breaths- and tried to find words to answer Dean's question.

"I was testing a theory…."

Dean looked irritated at Sam. Why was the guy so cryptic? Couldn't he just give an answer? Dean needed to know what had gone down in Sam's stubborn head, what Sam had done to himself exactly, so he could fix it, at the same time he was afraid of Sam's answers.

"A theory?"

Sam sighed again. Why did he have to explain it? At the same time Sam knew that there was no way out. Dean knew something was up and wanted to know.

"..…I told Lucifer that I would rather… kill myself… than to be his vessel. He explained… he would just keep bringing me back… "

Dean's chest tightened and he could swear that his heart stopped beating. His brother had just intended that he tried to kill himself while they were separated. Dean could have found his brother's dead body while trying to reunite with him?

"Kill yourself? What the hell? Sammy?" Dean asked shocked.

Sam sighed again – Did he try to make a fucking song out of it?

"You know Lucifer showed up as J…Je…Jess first." Sam's voice was shaky and Dean shivered, while he heard all this blank pain in his brother's voice. "I knew it was an illusion, but I wanted to believe so bad, she was here. Even after all this time I miss her every day and then Lucifer showed up and told me about being his vessel and that I would say yes anyway, I mean just the prospect of having Jess back send me to the edge of saving yes and then he told me that he would bring me back if I tried to…. I tried anyway, man; the guy is the devil he could have lied, right? Unfortunately it did not work…"

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean could not decide if he should be angry, sad, guilty, sorrowful, hurt or any other emotion. His brother just admitted that he had tried to commit suicide and was sorry about it not working. How messed up was this? How could his brother be sorry about still living? Dean felt so incredibly lost hearing this. How could Dean fix this? What should he tell his brother?

"Unfortunately, Sam? Screw that. I never thought I would be thankful towards the devil, but luckily he did keep his promise… How could you do that?"

Even if Dean was a mess inside, he tried to sound determined. He needed to fix this, needed to fix Sam. He needed to do something about it. His brother was not allowed to think that suicide was an option.

Sam laughed and sounded more than a little cynical and Dean flinched hearing this laugh. What was about to come out of Sam's mouth could not be good.

"How could I… Was not like I had many reasons to life… Hunters were after me, you were gone, just realized that Jess was gone, I started the fucking apocalypse and the devil was chasing me in my dreams explaining that I would be the one to destroy humanity... Dean the world would be better off without me…"

"Sam, stop it!"

Dean interrupted his brother. He did not want to hear more of this cynical self-hatred.

Now Dean could decide what he felt: Anger. How dare his brother could say this? How dare his brother could assume that the world was better off without him? How dare? How dare could Dean have let it go this fare?

"How can you think the world is better of without you?" Dean growled and was standing up from his seat facing his brother angrily.

Sam was trying to sit up in bad while suppressing the screams of pain forming in his throat. He could not argue with his brother lying flat on his back, he felt vulnerable and weak this way.

"Dean… it is… no apocalypse… no Lucifer…" Sam was trying to proof his point, but Dean's love for Sam was overshadowing the truth: The world would be better off without Sam.

"Sam, shut up and lay down! Fuck, can't you take care of yourself for once? Your one of the damn best persons on the world, okay? I never meant us to part permanently… Have you just once thought about me…? How I would feel when I get a call telling me that you are dead? Sam?"

Dean felt nauseous at the thought, that he had been laughing with Cas somewhere, while his brother tried to kill himself.

"You would have been better off without me, too. I know you have the inability to let me go, but we are really weaker together. Man, I am supposed to be dead. You should have just let me die in Cold Oak. I would have never screwed up and you would have never gone to hell. The world would be as it should be…"

Sam screamed at his brother, letting so many emotions out, but brought by this tirade again more pain to him. In a flash the temperamental atmosphere was gone and Dean calmed down to worry about his brother physical well being. Dean set down on the edge of Sam's bed and searched for the morphine button.

"Okay, no more screaming for you. Sorry, did not mean to settle you in this mood… But Sam… The world is as it should be when we are together, okay? It is what I have learned when the good ol' Zachy has zapped me into the future… And I never regretted making this deal, okay? Not _once_ in my life. Sam I can't life without you. I did not even make it through some days with the knowledge that you were dead in Cold Oak. 40 Years of hell-torture are nothing compared to the pain of losing you… You are the most important person in my life… Without you the world could end and I would not care…I just want you – us – to be okay, okay? And what I have said on the phone, screw that. I told you already that I was wrong…."

Dean was telling his brother with a calm voice, what he thought, while tears were building up in his eyes and in Sam's eyes. This brokenness between them was so painful, but it was mending. Suddenly a new question raised in Dean's mind.

"Did you try to kill yourself before or after I called?"

Was it Dean himself, who guided his sibling to committing suicide? Was it his stubborn rejection that could have cost him his little brother?

"Dean…." Sam sighed weakly. "That is not so important…"

"_Before or after_?" Dean demanded.

"Don't start to feel guilty or anything, please? It is not your fault that I am screwed up, but after…"

Dean's heart seemed to stop for a second. God, he was the person, who had lead his brother to suicide. He was the one, who took the last will to live from his brother. It was for some seriously comforting session; also Sam was not sure who needed the comfort more: He or Sam.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean did carefully move his brother on the bed, so that there was enough place for two persons.

"What are you doing, Dean?" Sam asked suspiciously.

"It's cuddling time, bro…" Dean explained laxly and lay down next to his brother. Dean needed to be close to Sam.

Sam was looking confused at his brother, but was oddly comforted by the closeness to his brother. Dean laughed at Sammy's confused bitchface.

Dean just needed the physical contact and so did Sam.

Dean turned his head to Sam and looked in his little brother's eyes.

"Listen now, Sammy, and listen well. _Never_ do something as stupid as killing yourself ever again! We are both screwed, but we are going to fix it. I love you. Also there are a lot of talks now between us and do not assume that I will let you out of my sight… "

"I am not a child, Dean." Sam whined, but there was no heat behind it. Actually, Sam had missed his protective brother, who made him always feel safe.

"Right now you are. You are cuddling with your elder here; you are realizing that, right, Sammy?" Dean joked.

They both laughed. It was so comfortable to be together again, but Sam's laugh was interrupted by pain.

"Sam, sorry, you okay?"

"Yeah. Fucking, everything I do hurts. Remember me to never get an abdominal wound again…"

Dean looked Sam over. He was pale and weak and lying in an ICU covered with tubes and wires. A thin sheet of sweet was covering Sam's face. He fighted to stay awake and the condition of his body truly troubled him, but for the first time in a long time, Sam seemed sort of peaceful.

"Yeah, I'll gladly to that. How about some rest now? We can talk later – sorry – we _will_ talk later. Still a lot of sense I have to get into you here…. I will enjoy myself with some crappy daytime TV here… and you will maybe get some 'tasty' hospital food and some hot nurses to give you a bath, when you are awake again… honestly, man, you stink…"

"I am looking forward to it, man." Sam replied ironically, but gladly took the offer to sleep. Everything wiped him out in his condition, but this talk especially. Sam fell asleep nearly directly.

"Night, Sammy. And don't have any bad dreams."

They were in for a rough ride – physically and emotionally. There were a lot of recovery and talks ahead. Dean still did to know what had happened exactly and they still had to revive Sam's self-worth, but they had taken the first steps forward. There were so many thoughts going on in Dean's mind, but for now he was just focused on the fact that Sam was still with him. Sam could not kill himself and was still alive. As long as Sam was still there, they could work on it and they would… They were brothers, after all, in spite of it all and because of it.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading!<strong>

**I hope you leave a review behind and I hope you liked it!**

**How did you feel about the cuddling scene? And how was the talk?**

**The next chapter holds more brotherly bonding and talking… Look forward to it…**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Love, Love, Love,**

**Sincerely, **

**Die Autorin.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello!  
>Here I am again with a new chapter.<strong>

**Thanks for your lovely support! You are AWESOME!**

**The mistakes are all mine….like always: D…**

**I don't own Supernatural… but I like to play with the characters…**

**Sorry it took me so long to update, but I was on a vacation and afterwards was visiting my grandmother to help her with some stuff and hadn't found the time to write…but I am here again! **

**Have fun with the story ;-)**

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><p>"<em><strong>H<strong>e knew he had to investigate._

_That would be the only thing that would calm him down._

_Go out into the cold darkness and find out what was there._

_You must face your fears._

_You must confront them head on and find out what is real and what is imagined._

_That's the only way you can proceed through life." _  
>― <strong>S<strong>tein, Garth

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><p><strong>D<strong>ean was watching a lame soap opera - on mute as he did not want to wake his sleeping brother. It was still true that daytime TV sucked, but Dean's focus was on his sleeping sibling next to him.

It was not the most comfortable position he was in laying next to Sam, actually, it was one of the most uncomfortable position Dean could think of. He just had little space on the bed and had to keep himself from falling down from the bed. He was cramped next to his injured, gigantic brother as he did not want to steel Sam space, which left very little for himself. And he needed to be very careful as well as he neither wanted to cause his brother physical pain or disturb him nor did he want to disturb all the wires and tubes coming from different parts of Sam's body.

Even if this was the most uncomfortable position ever, Dean never felt more comforted. He was reminded at the times when he was little and mom had just died and he needed to crawl in Sam's crib to be with Sam, to feel save and to be able to sleep.

His brother was next to him: Still breathing, still moving, still snoring and still living. He had not lost him. There was relief in the situation, but everything that had happened recently was just stomach-churning.

Sam tried to kill himself. Sam was gutted. Sam was chased by Lucifer. Sam met Lucifer disguised as Jess. Why was it always them? What had they done to deserve this? Dean was tired of it, tired of all the bad stuff, but he would never give up on something concerning his brother.

He would fight for Sam. He would make Sam feel worthy again. He would make Sam feel loved again. He would make up to Sam after he led him into suicide by ignoring his pleas. Never again would he ignore his brother's pleas for help, never again would he ignore a distraught message. How would he have coped if Lucifer had not brought Sam back? Dean could have never forgiven himself. He could barely life with himself right now. Never again would he let his brother separated from him, never again would he let his brother go this far, get this broken and hurt again, even if it meant talking about feelings and facing his own greatest fears, but everything done for Sammy was worth it.

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>am woke up to his brother cheering voice, who was still on the bed next to him, but was about to get up.

"Rise and shine, my little sunshine"

"Shut up, Dean."

"Woah, you're hurtin' my feelings…"

Things seemed to get normal, even after all they have been through, after all that Sam had told Dean. They could annoy each other again, banter and talk about nonsense. For Sam this was an awesome feeling. For the first time in a long time he felt loved, protected and secure again. He felt whole again with his brother at his side. But there was this underlying fear of the future, too. What would happen to him? What would happen to Lucifer? Would he and Dean really be okay as in permanently?

"How are you doing, Sam?"

Dean was solemnly focused on taking care of Sam.

"Maybe you ought to cancel the apocalyptic war. Don't really feel up to it."

Sam joked. What spoke against a little humour? He felt like crap, yes, but for being in an ICU he felt really good again. It bothered him to be laid up her, bedridden, but he could not do anything against it.

Dean smiled.

"Yeah, I am going to delay the apocalypse. Michael and Lucifer have to wait some to get their asses kicked… Other topic, here is yummy food for you." Explained Dean, while pointing at the tray table.

Sam rolled his eyes. Hospital food was tending to be disgusting. Sam and Dean had their fare share of hospital stays and they barely get something edible as food. But not only that, but Sam was on a special diet just containing soft foods as his stomach could not handle every food due to the trauma to his abdominal cavity and intestines. The perspective of mashed potatoes and a milkshake was not even close to becoming anything near Sam's favourite dish.

But the worst part of the perspective of a meal was that Sam was not allowed to sit up and since he could barely move due to weakness and pain and was laying flat on his back, feeding himself was an unaccomplishable challenge, which meant that probably someone else would feed him and this someone was probably Dean.

"Does that have to be? I am not really hungry." whined Sam.

Dean laughed. "You sure you are 27 years old… You are behaving like a minor. Do I have to make plane noises while feeding you, so you are eating?"

"God no. Never would confront you with your greatest fear…"

"Funny, Sam. That is the only remark you have got for me? Whatever. You still need to eat, man. You need to get your strength back. The faster you start to eat again you can get out of ICU and get the NG tube out of your nose."

The prospect on getting out of the ICU and getting the annoying NG tube out of his nose was promising. The NG tube itched and Sam wanted to get rid of it, like he wanted to get rid of all the other tubes, so Sam agreed on eating a little bit slow.

"Just if you don't make plane noises, Dean." warned Sam.

Dean was accomplishing his task to feed Sam and tried to not annoy or embarrass his brother too much while doing so (Even if it was fun, he did not want to send Sam over the edge). He was reminded of the times when Sam was just a small kid and Dean used to feed him. Nearly losing Sam (again) really made Dean a little bit nostalgic.

* * *

><p><strong>D<strong>ean did take care of a lot on that day. He helped Sam eat, even if Sam ate very little, but who would have an appetite after their intestines had been ripped from their body? Sam said it would be Dean. Dean shaved Sam and tried to make him comfortable. The only time Dean left the morning was when the nurses bathed Sam and emptied his catheter bag, so Sam's privacy was not disturbed even more and he was just hovering outside the room instead of eating something or showering or changing or something like that.

For Sam this indicated just on thing: Dean was feeling overprotective and guilty, which led Sam to talk to Dean.

"Dean. You don't have to watch every single move of me. It is not like I am still suicidal and even if I was, I can't kill myself. I am in a hospital. I am taken care of. Besides, stop feeling guilty… It is not your fault…"

What was he supposed to answer to this? It was not like he could switch his feeling off. It was not like he could forget everything that he had just found out.

"Just humour me, okay? You nearly died – even if you can't actually die – and you told me that you tried to off yourself and you want me to just forget about it? Sam I can't. I am sorry if this is annoying you, but I can't switch it off and yes I feel guilty, because I sucked at being a big brother. I should have never turned you down on the phone and none of this would have happened."

Sam sighed – He did that a lot lately. Why was his brother so stubborn? Oh, he got it. That was a Winchester treat. Maybe the two of them just should stop to feel responsible for stuff that was not their fault.

"Dean, listen. You were angry with me and ignoring somebody you are angry with is normal human behaviour. Besides, we can't chance what happened, I am alive and you are here, so can you at least let your guilt feelings go?"

Not it was Dean that sighed. Apparently it was contagious. When Sam looked at him with those puppy dog eyes Dean just could not do something else than to agree with the guy.

"I'll try. Other topic, Sam. Ehm… how exactly did you try to kill yourself? I just need to know, Sammy…"

Dean needed the information. He needed every single detail to understand what exactly had gone done, to understand how his brother had been thinking and what he could do against it.

Sam gave him a questioning looked, which asked, if Sam really had to explain that and Dean nodded.

"Well… It was after the events at the bar, after Lucifer and after I have talked to you and I was kind of depressed and despised myself a little bit…and I thought why don't give it a try. If you die you end your misery and Lucifer has no vessel and if not nothing has been lost, you know? Had my gun after all and so I just shoot myself…"

Dean's stomach was churning. God, it was so painful to hear his brother say stuff like this. How could his brother have given up his own life?

"Well… I woke up later… was kind of depressed, sorry and mad about still being alive... the bathroom mirror had to pay for my anger.. And I decided to drink myself into oblivion…"

Dean felt nauseous. Sam had just told him that he felt sorry about not being dead. That was just wrong. Dean could barely bear hearing stuff like this out of his brother's mouth, but he needed to know what was going on inside of Sam. Normally Dean avoided talking about feelings, but it had to be done.

"That is the reason the hunters could pick so easily on you… Other question…did you try to fight them?"

Why needed Dean to know everything? Sam felt uncomfortable revealing his darkest thoughts. But he could not avoid answering this question as he and Dean just got back together and he did not want to screw it.

"No, I did not. I was hangover and man, I did not want to kill other hunters… just when they wanted me to drink demon blood and wanted to summon Ruby I was kicking', but still to hangover to win the fight… Do you want to know any more or are you happy now?"

Happy was not an emotion Dean felt. He was a lot, but not happy. His little brother needed new self-esteem.

"After… äh… Ruby….had… you know… What did you think?"

Since when was Dean a person who asked to talk about feelings and Sam the one, who was annoyed by it? Was it upside-down day? Apparently some suicidal ideations could lead to talks about feelings.

"I thought I would die and come unfortunately back and then you came – did not think you would - and I was on the one hand glad that you were there and on the other hand sad because now I could not die and really had to go through recovery…I just wanted to get healed up and pain free…"

Dean was glad that Sam was honest, but at the same time shocked about all the revelations.

"You wanted the devil to heal you? Do you still think dying would be an option to speed up your recovery process? Because if you say so, I am definitely ripping your head off; it is way too risky."

Sam shook his head violently. He had thought about this just for a very short time until he made his decision.

"No, I don't. I thought about it, but I decided against it. No matter how much I wished my body to be healed, I would not want Lucifer to heal me. Who knows what he would to do me before he heals me? I have met him often enough, I do not need to meet him anymore…"

Dean nodded. This answer was satisfying for a chance. At least Sam did not want to do anything, which contained dealing with Lucifer. Of course the supernatural way of healing was easier and faster, but when it was the devil, which healed, Dean gladly declined the offer. The bastard of Lucifer would not get power over Sam in any way. Castiel lost his power to heal since he abandoned his place in heaven, so the only way for Sam to heal left was the natural way.

"Any more questions, Dean?" asked Sam, who watched his brother think about everything.

Dean had some questions left and wanted to talk a lot. Why were Sam's numbers not available? Why doubted Sam Dean's love back then? Yeah, they were not on the best terms, but Sam should always have in mind that Dean loved him no matter what. He wanted to talk about Sam's self-hatred and about the future of them. For the first time in Dean's life he actually felt the urge to speak things out especially since Sam went as far as to commit suicide. But for now it was time to ease down and let the matter rest for some time. Sam was recovering from a near fatal injury after all and weak and in pain and still in ICU and them both needed a break from all the emotional outbreaks.

"I have, but I think that was enough for one session…We can talk later about that. As long as you are laid up here we have a lot of time to talk things out, okay? Just let us relax a bit… "

* * *

><p><strong>A<strong>llowing themselves a break Sam and Dean were able to relax a bit.

This meant listening to music, talk about unimportant but nice things, letting Dean flirt with the hot nurses and apologizing for his behaviour, just enjoying the time together and watching TV.

Sam could not see the whole screen of the TV since he still had to lie flat on his black, but Dean told him that was not this bad, since the only interesting movie had some clowns in it and they would freak Sam out.

Also Sam called Bobby to reassure him that he really was okay and to take Bobby's guilt about sending these hunters, who hurt Sam, to him away. Luckily Sam did not have to reveal to Bobby that he tried to kill himself, but he was pretty sure that Dean would tell him eventually.

All in all they could loose some of the tension which had been building up.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading!<strong>

**I hope you leave a review behind and I hope you liked it!**

**Sincerely,**

**Die Autorin! **


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